Living History

I am still in shock over these experience, but knew that I needed to find a moment to actually write about it, so I am going to attempt to encapsulate two of the most amazing experiences of my life in words.

1) Maccabean Mikvah!

The 8th day of Chanukah, the women of Tochnit Alisa (the English language college and beyond program at Nishmat) had a lovely tiyul. One of our instructors live in Modi’in, just down the road from a relatively recently discovered archaeological site – a Hashmonean era site for Jewish ritual life. For those of you who might not be making the connection, the Maccabean revolt was in the Hashmonean era, so visiting the site on the last day of Chanukah was a pretty amazing way of connecting to history, both religiously and physically.

Post by Melissa, who appears here in the mikvah!

As we approached the site, it became clear that this was a unique find. The group gravitated towards the large space that was once the Beit Knesset (area where they prayed), however I was distracted by a series of steps leading into a hole in the ground. Could it be? Was I really seeing an ancient mikvah? Our guide began to speak about the space and referenced the mikvah and as quickly as I could, I scurried away from the group and back over towards the mikvah to investigate. I walked down the steps and just stood there – soaking up the moment. Here I was, standing the space where women (and men) had immersed thousands of years ago, in an era where ritual impurity had a meaning beyond what we can imagine.

I have a personal tradition to always think about my ancestors upholding the laws of taharat hamishpacha and immersing in the mikvah around the time of my own immersion. I always take some time in the waters to reflect upon their living nature and that of the history which they inherently tie me to. Now, that will take on a whole new meaning. I can connect to this phyiscal space as well and the emotions of really feeling that connection.

2) Holy of Holies!

Last week, Tochnit Alisa again had an outing. This time, we went to the Generations Center and on a Kotel Tunnel tour. (It was a nice touch that our guide for the latter was my Nach teacher!) One of the first things we saw on the tour was another ancient mikvah! Though this one was through a piece of glass on the floor because it was so very deep compared to where the “floor” of the tunnels is, it was still an amazing thing to see.

Women pray continuously near the Kodesh Kodeshim

As we walked along and stopped to learn about the history I kept noticing religious women bustling past. At one point, we looked at the various archways and discovered that just ahead of us was an archway, directly underneath Wilson’s Arch – which is the closest place that men can pray to the Kodesh Kodeshim, the holy of holies from the time of the Beit HaMikdash, the ancient temple in Jerusalem. It turns out, there is a place directly under that in the tunnels where women can also pray. However, unlike the men’s area – there are always women there and anyone who knows how to get there can go at almost any time they want. We stopped in this place and our guide/my teacher allowed us some time to daven (pray) there. I stood in place and sung my favorite meditative line to myself and was almost in tears. I felt so connected to the history of the Jewish people and the plight of the temple eras and its destruction.

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While I am the first to say that living in Israel is not an idyllic thing, these moments of being a part of the living history of the Jewish people is what makes the experience so important and profound. I am not going to start saying everyone needs to move here or make aliyah, but I do think it is important to take some time to get to experience the places which connect us all on a deeper level than we can cognitively undertand or expect.

Tazria-Metzorah: The D’var I wanted to give

This past Shabbat we read the double portion of Tazria-Metzorah, and while I was asked to give a d’var torah for a young adult Shabbat dinner, it was not the crowd to say what I really wanted to about the weekly portion. Instead I spoke about Yom Ha’zikaron and Y om Ha’atzmaut and featured some of Benji Lovitt‘s 64 Things I Love About Israel. While it was a good fit for the audience, it wasn’t what I really wanted to say and it ate at me throughout Shabbat. So I now present to you, the (slightly abbreviated) d’var I wanted to give.

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This week we read the double parsha, Tazria-Metzorah.  Both of these portions address an always favorite subject: ritual impurities.

While it addresses tzarat, a skin disease which is generally translated as leprosy but known by our sages to be something unique, at length – it also addresses a few other types of ritual impurities including other skin diseases, a plague in one’s home, seminal emissions, menstrual blood and other general eruptions and discharges.

These are all descibed by the same hebrew word: tameh. This word gets translated as unclean.

But really, what does unclean mean? Does it mean you are physically dirty? Not so much. It refers to a ritual and spiritual impurity. That is why all the “treatments” are ritual, based around offerings, prayer, and other ritualistic actions – not to go take a shower.

The translation as “unclean” needs some rebranding because its connotation does not work in contemporary society.

My personal mission, is to help illustrate this point around the issue of women’s menstrual blood and the subsequent “laws of family purity” and mikvah.  If we are able to understand that following these laws does not mean that we believe ourselves to be physically unclean, we empower ourselves to make mikvah a spiritual experience of reconnecting to our body and its life giving abilities.

My First Kallah!

Post (and photo) by Melissa

This weekend, I had the distinctive honor of seeing the first kallah (bride) I taught and mentored marry her best friend.

Serving as her kallah teacher sort of fell into being, and was a natural interaction for us both.

She had attended the wedding of her now brother and sister-in-law about six months before her wedding, and after seeing the joy and value add that kallah classes had in her SIL’s life, decided it was something she wanted for herself as well.  So she asked me how she could find someone to learn with, who wouldn’t pressure her into being someone she isn’t.  We had a moment and decided it would be a great fit for me to serve as her teacher.  I know and love her, and am of the “whatever you do that is more than you were doing is fabulous” mentality.

We spent many afternoons eating frozen yogurt, wandering around bookstores, and shopping for wedding weekend clothing – all while talking about mikvah, taharat hamishpaca, and Jewish weddings.  For the kallah it was critical that she understand the meaning behind all of the rituals she would be doing throughout the weekend, which gave me a great opportunity to have conversations about things I hadn’t really thought about in two years.

The kallah told me on Shabbat that she cried when she went to mikvah, and that made me cry.  To be a part of such an intimate moment in another woman’s life is powerful beyond words.  I know now that every time I immerse, she will be with me as I pray for my sisters worldwide.  I was her guide on a journey to a spiritual space that she never imagined knowing, and will be forever marked by.

Throughout the weekend, I was being introduced as S’s kallah teacher, and each time I got a big smile on my face.  As much as some family members were surprised or confused, I was honored.  It was a great joy to be able to share in very broad terms the content of our classes and to have others see the very special bond it created between us.  Though we had been friends going into this experience, we are bonded on a deeper level now for life.

We plan to continue learning and talking about how to make a Jewish home, and what rituals and observances are important.  She and her husband are not very religious people, but they have very strong Jewish identities and are wanting to explore how that pans out for their future together.  I look forward to this adventure, and am honored to have such a wonderful friend as my companion on it.

I hope to be able to write a more complete reflection soon, but just needed to share the excitement and energy while it was still fresh.

Reclaiming Mikvah

First some housecleaning since it has been so long with no posts from us!  Jessica and I spoke today, and we are doing away with the designated days for posting.  We will post when the mood strikes us as jobs and family life are currently taking more time than they were when we began this project.  We are committed to keeping this blog alive and active and welcome your input!

Ironically (or not, because Hashem has a way of guiding the world just-so), I had been thinking about writing a mikvah post as I have had some interesting conversations lately, and today Chaviva (aka, Kevitching Editor) posted about the lost spirituality of mikvah in her life.  As I began to write her a comment, I realized what I had to say was better suited to its own post here. So thank you Chaviva for getting me going enough to write what has been on my mind for a few weeks now.

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Post by Melissa

Mikvah is a beautiful ritual with immense possibilities for spiritual enrichment; a ritual which can be as powerful or monotonous as you choose to make it.  Women singularly hold the power over this experience and what we share with one another can only help empower us to make it our own special moment.  I believe that embracing mikvah as not only something we must do, but something we choose to do, is one of the most feminist things we have the opportunity to do as Jewish women.

As someone with a long history of body image issues, having someone see me naked is no easy thing.  I could be stalled there from the start, however I make the choice to mentally prepare myself for the mikvah attendant to see me and am always relieved when it is a nice woman who doesn’t make a big deal of checking and has trust in my ability to follow the checklist and have appropriate preparation.  Regardless, I find myself having to push aside my fears and issues and simply trust in the tznuit-ness of my mikvah attendant.  I have to believe with all my being that she will not watch me as my naked back is turned to her. Once I slip out of my robe and begin to walk into the water, all else must be forgotten.

I focus on every step I take going into the water.  They are each a step away from the rigors of daily life.  A step into the calming natural waters of life. Being completely present as I descend into this sacred space is a blessing all its own.

Once fully into the mikvah pool, I get myself situated into the middle, take a deep breath and allow myself to be absorbed by the water, exhaling as I go in.  Exhaling all the negativity and stress. Holding in the beauty of the moment.  Taking a moment to right myself before repeating not only the physical dip into the water, but the spiritual one as well.

After I have completed my immersions in a kosher manner, which often takes me many more than the five I am aiming for, I take a moment to just be in that space.  I allow myself to reflect on the past month and the coming month; on the relationships which have grown or wavered; on those people in my life who need the healing embrace of these living waters.  I allow myself a  personal prayer to connect to these people and ask God for the strength to be what is needed in the coming month.

Before I exit the waters, I take the time to embrace my innermost spiritual self, really pushing my own comfort levels.  I force myself to think of the women all over the world who are also in this space at this time, and for the times before.  Connecting not only to my physical ancestors, but to all those who are my soul-sisters in this mitzvah. Sending them wishes for the healing and nurturing waters to provide for them in the month to come.

Ultimately, I find that embracing the deeply spiritual side of this ritual in a world where so many rituals feel monotonous is empowering.  It allows my entire sense of who I am as a modern religious woman to be revived and renewed on a monthly basis.  I know that I will miss it when I am blessed with pregnancy, and only hope I can find another source for a connection of this level.

You are likely asking a few key questions now, so lets just be blunt:  Yes, it is an annoyance to have to re- schedule other things to get to mikvah on the right night and time. Yes, I hate having to trek out in the cold, dark night to be scrutinized by a stranger.  Yes, I dislike having to schedule an appointment in a small window and feel rushed to get through.

Yes, I have to focus hard to get into the space to make it a truly spiritual encounter.

Yes, it is worth it to know that I am fulfilling such a wonderful mitzvah.

Yes, it is powerful to step into my Jewish femininity every month.

Mentees as Mentors

As I have mentioned here before, I am privileged to be a mentor to a few phenomenal young women. (Hi ladies! I love you!)  These young women are on a mission to grow both as modern women and religious jews – and I am lucky enough to help them discuss where these coincide.

Over the past few weeks I have had some particularly powerful conversations with some of them, really delving into the issues at hand and how they play out in their lives.  Each has a different story, but the underlying message is the same: how does a young, intelligent, modern woman find a meaningful place in religious Judaism. While I hope someday to have a great answer, in the interim it leads to a lot of conversations, research, and personal growth for all of us.  The big picture of this is not the point of this post though, that is for another day – what I want to share today is about the mentorship which I have gotten myself from these ladies.

Every time they approach me with a question or to share their newest experiences and challenges, it gives me an opportunity for growth as well.  I had the joy of walking to taslich with one of these fine young women, and getting to hear about her recent trip to Israel and the effects which it had on her. As someone who in the past year or so has become Shomer Shabbat and Shomer Kashrut, she is in a particularly interesting period of growth – really trying to find meaning as she embarks on her newly religious life.  Listening to her share her experiences was very inspiring for me, and reminded me of why I have become the person I have.  It is difficlt to be a Jewish feminist in a world where that seems to mean hair covering is bad but wearing a kippah is good and mikvah is bad but leyning is good.

My relationship with these women has given me such a wonderful opportunity to talk through these issues and find comraderie.  It has shown me the value of having a balanced person to talk to about the struggles of being a religious Jewish woman in modernity.  It has given me a place to find my passion in life.  I hope to one day create a venue through which I can continue this sort of mentorship with more young women trying to find their place and to keep learning and growing myself so I can truly grasp the full spectrum of the experience, and someday the laws.

Future of Women in Judaism

As mentioned on our Facebook Fan Page, I was recently asked to write a piece about the future of Judaism as it relates to women’s involvement.  I took it on in a true Melissa form and am both proud of the result and humbled at its inclusion.  To see my byline alongside Anita Diamant (Author and Found of Mayyim Hayyim) and Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz (Founder of Uri L’Tzedek) is one of the greatest honors in my life.

Since I am spending today in the car with my parents, headed to celebrate my niece’s 6th birthday I leave you with a few links to peruse in my absence.

My piece for the Future of Judaism Series at Patheos: An Ever-Evolving Judaism: Women Meeting the Needs of Community

The entire “Future of Judaism” series at Patheos.

A brief blog post about the series which acknowledged my piece from MyJewishLearning.com

I’d love to hear your feedback!

I Love Water

post by Jessica

As mentioned a few weeks ago, we decided to take on mikvah as an observance.

I got a lot of nice feedback from that original post, and I am pleased to say that I enjoyed my first experience, and I wanted to take a moment to examine the experience as well.

First, I really enjoyed learning about mikvah. My teacher (incidentally, the same woman who taught the class on the Rabba controversy) was amazing. Not only was she totally understanding about where we were with our observance and why we wanted to start this now, but she helped us understand the variations in practice (especially important since we are Sephardic and the rules are slightly different).  She had a perspective that I really appreciated as well. This wasn’t about my being pure or impure or about sex or women being “bad.” Rather, it was about the ways in which Jewish people limit things that are good in moderation. For instance, eating is good and we encourage eating, but there are certain things we don’t eat and certain times we don’t eat as observant Jews. So too do we encourage people to have healthy sexual relationships, but in a certain context and at certain times. It was incredibly enlightening.

Despite all that, I still felt nervous as I began the unfamiliar procedure of counting days and all the things that go with mikvah observance. I worried if I was doing it correctly, and reviewed my notes several times to make sure. When I had determined when the fateful night would be, I placed my first call to the mikvah to make my appointment. The attendant who called me back was very nice (although, I admit it was awkward, since I was nervous) and we set up our time.

Our mikvah has the most amazing bathtub. There are not many apartments in the city that have bathtubs that you would want to spend any time in. So I spent a good forty five or fifty minutes enjoying the bathtub while slowly getting myself ready. It was powerful for me to spend that time in water, since I was that little kid who couldn’t get enough of the water. After hating the bathtub until I was about six months old, you could not drag me out of there or the swimming pool. So after just about drowning myself in the big tub, it was time for the mikvah.

I think the most difficult part for me was the fact that I couldn’t see anything with my glasses off. I think I underestimated how that would be, so it was tough. I like being able to see where I am, and especially when it’s important to have a good concept of where the sides of the mikvah are. I did not have a huge spiritual awakening, but it felt good and then it was time to get dressed. I had brought fresh clothes with me for going home, and I think the act of putting on new clothes made the spiritual difference manifest.

Bottom line: Good. Enjoyable. Something I look forward to continuing.

Mikvah Survey

Dear ladies:

I am doing some research on mikvah spurred on by all the posts, comments, and discussions lately and would love it if you would take the time to answer these questions either in a comment or by sending it to my email (melissa at redefiningrebbetzin dot com).  Please also pass it on to others! I’d love to get some great positive and negative experiences, as well as to better understand individual experiences.  I’m thinking of writing a book on the topic and using it to fuel teaching opportunities down the line. Anything you are willing to share is much appreciated and will be held in the strictest of confidences.

At your “home” mikvah:

How many days in advance do you call to schedule?

How did you select the mikvah you attend if there is more than one in your community?

Were you asked any questions as a kallah?

How would you rate your comfort with mikvah usage?

Why do you feel that way?

Do you have any specifically great mikvah experiences?

Have you had any negative mikvah experiences?

When traveling:

How do you select a mikvah?

Have you ever been asked any questions when you called to make an appointment at a new mikvah?

How would you rate your comfort with going to a new mikvah while traveling? Why?

Any positive or negative experiences with mikvaot on your travels?

In general:

Why do you observe mikvah?

How do you make it a meaningful experience?

How long have you been observing this mitzvah?

Do you have anything else you would like to share about your mikvah experiences or observances?

Please let me know where you are located (as generic or specific as you wish) and whether or not you are willing to be contacted for follow up.

I was about to apologize for feeling like all I post about lately is mikvah, but I realized that is important and it is making changes and having a positive impact on people.  Plus it is informative and educational, and I like it. So I’m not going to apologize, its just going to be the way it is!

Mikvah Mania

Post by Melissa

Mikvah is becoming quite a hot topic lately in the Jewish blogosphere, and I am proud to be a part of that.  The comments to my recent post, spurred other posts, and eventually greater awareness and involvement of the trials women face in observing this great mitzvah. In fact, a prominent Jewish Tweeter commented today that is seemed to be “Mikvah Month” – my response – Great! Its about time!

The blog posts, comments, and tweets which have abounded on this topic lately have really shown a light on a part of the Mikvah experience which is so rarely exposed – the behavior of the attendants.  While people have opinions across the spectrum from their action being completely independent to the belief that they are fulfilling some divine order. We are talking about it.  Shattering the silence which for far too long has encased this ritual practice.  Regardless of how you feel about mikvah or its attendents, it is quite empowering to be a part of such culture shift.

Our regular readers all know that I am passionate about the mikvah expereince and about talking about it. Not when I go, obviously that is a private matter, but the concept of going and what the experience is like.  I believe that mikvah is an empowering ritual for women, and not a degrading one at all. I believe it is an extremely feminist ritual at that. It is about owning your own body, recognizing it for what it is, and getting in touch with thousands of years of women doing so before you.  While I realize halachically, this is not what it is, its what it feels like to me and based on what I’ve seen lately, to many other women as well.

So lets keep it up ladies! Raise some noise and be empowered by the mikvah revolution which seems to be spreading across the continent. Keep talking, blogging, and posting about what you read, hear, and experience.  Also, if you have ever had a negative experience with a mikvah attendant (ie – quesitoning your Jewish-ness or marrital status) please email me at melissa @ redefiningrebbetzin dot com to anonymously lend your story to the communal voice.

Many thanks to everyone who has been standing up for the rights of women who want to use the mikvah to uphold the laws of family purity, and want to be free to do so in a meaningful manner. We couldn’t be doing what we are without you and we cannot be silenced now.

A Mikvah Tirade

Post by Melissa

Ok readers, I have given this warning but I will give it again. I will occasionally talk/write about mikvah, and clearly, this post is one of those times. If you are of the mindset that it is inappropriate to do so, stop reading and come back to see what Jessica writes tomorrow, though last I heard she may also be writing about mikvah 😉

While at both of my local mikvaot (plural for mikvah) you can immerse on Shabbat and Chagim (holidays), because you should not delay your immersion, I do not live within realistic walking distance of them. Its about 5 miles to one and 4 to the other, the first through a neighborhood I don’t want to be walking in after dark alone, the second through a business district with very few lights to enable me to see at dark.  Needless to say, I am not the only person in this city with this problem.  So one would think that around Pesach, when there are many days women may not be able to make it to the mikvah and they may already be delaying their immersion, a mikvah would have some extra hours. Apparently, not mine.

I requested* to have my time about an hour and a half after what I assumed to be the approximate immersion time and said if it couldn’t be then, it had to be about an hour and a half earlier. (9:30 and 8pm respectively — I had something unmovable in that middle time block.)  When I get the call back I am told I can only be scheduled at 9pm. When I press further I find out that immersion time is shortly after 8pm and they are not scheduling any appointments after 9pm. Seriously? You are only allowing one hour in a period of time in which there are conceivably five days on which women cannot come to immerse? You are potentially making women break one of the holiest commandments because you don’t want to stay late? Seriously? Ugh.  I got pretty mad pretty fast, but tried to not take it out on the scheduler, I knew it wasn’t the Mikvah Manager and this woman probably had no say in it.  She made a compromise with me of 9:15, and I even arrived a few minutes early.  She was nice when I arrived but made a point of telling me that I was the only person there. Thanks lady, like I didn’t figure that out from your casualness about putting me in a room, instead of hurriedly shuffling me down the hall lest I see anyone else….

All in all, it was a fine mikvah experience in the end, though I was so flustered from the whole experience I had a hard time really finding the connection with Gd I normally strive for through the entire process.

Has anyone else has a mikvah experience that was so upsetting it took the spirituality out of the experience?

*Aside: Scheduling mikvah is a somewhat weird process to me.  You leave a message on an answering machine saying when you want to dunk and then someone calls you back to tell you when you will actually be able to go.  My messages are always long and detailed because I have a bad habit of not answering my phone and I don’t want to have to continue to engage in this silly phone tag.