Apparently the roller coaster of the pregnant avel continues after the pregnancy ends….
Today is my *first* Mother’s Day.
My first as a mother.
My first without my mother.
I have been having anxiety about today for weeks – ever since the first “Mother’s Day is coming!” email arrived in my inbox. I cringed every time I deleted another one. I cried as I entered giveaways on Facebook. I smiled as I looked at the little guy in my arms.
I read this moving piece from my dear friend Esther and thought of all the ways I could honor my mommie. I had grand ideas of what to write and say and do. I thought of the things both big and small that we we used to do together and how to incorporate them into a special ceremonial remembrance.
Then last night I got a text from my dad that said in part “you had a great example of what to do, now just love your child like she did” and I realized that I honor her every day. Every time I tell my son I love him. I every time I snuggle him close. Every time he wraps his tiny little hand around her necklace. Every day, in every moment, just by being the mom which comes naturally after having such an amazing woman as mine.
I realized that I am lucky to have had such an amazing mommie, who without being here to celebrate my first Mother’s Day as an Eema, is no doubt with me in everything I do as a mom every day.
Redefining Rebbetzin 
I can’t think of a better way to pay tribute to your Ima.
Your father is so right and so are you.
It’s hard to be a “motherless mother”, but in truth, although your mother is no longer here, you aren’t motherless as she already taught you so much that will always be with you.
In a way, being a mother yourself helps you continue her legacy and gives you opportunities to feel a wonderful connection as you do things with your kids that you remember her doing.
I wish you continued strength. Dealing with the pain gets easier, but it doesn’t go away (this article brought tears to my eyes, 32 years after my mummy died) and you will never stop missing her. You wouldn’t want to, since missing her keeps her in your life.
Melissa, this is a moving and inspiring tribute to your Mom. While I never knew her, I’m sure she’d be so proud of you. Happy Mothers Day!
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Beautifully expressed, Melissa.