I love change. I accept that the only constant in life is change. I can sing “ch-ch-ch-changes” with the best of them. But sometimes it is just too much too soon with too little mental preparation. Thats how I felt throughout this very tumultuous week. So going into Shabbat, I knew I had to let it go or the anger, insult, and fear that had dominated my life would win and the optimistic Mel would lose.
So, as I lit my candles I took an extra moment to get into the spirit. I prayed that I could find the light in Shabbat and gain a fresh perspective. I knew that I needed to shift over Shabbat, or my “fake it til you make it” was going to fail.
As I read the parsha during Shabbat morning services, three little words struck me “ehyeh asher ehyeh” which translates to “I will be what I will be.” This is what Hashem says to Moshe when he asks how to tell the people of their interaction at the burning bush. If that is good enough for Hashem, it should be good enough for me.
Perhaps these changes are Hashem’s way of helping me overcome my struggle to find a work-life balance. Perhaps it is a hand up in regaining my focus on the more important parts of my life, instead of only being focused on my career. Perhaps it is a slight push to help me on my way to being the best future rebbetzin I can be.
Perhaps what is most important in life is to be able to say I will be what I will be and to sit back and watch it fall into place. To give up the control and the need to know, and just take a seat on the journey that is life. To trust that Hashem has a plan for me, and I have nothing to fear.
For now, all I know is that giving up and stepping back seems like the best option to be happy, so its what I’m going to have to do. Time to just hand it to Hashem – again.