Updates from the Meliverse

I can’t believe how quickly our big move is approaching! I have a long list of deep and thoughtful posts to write, including things such as Orthodoxy and Spirituality, Attractive vs. Attracting, and starting hair covering before marriage.  Alas, that list juts keeps growing along with my other to-do lists. Sigh. Soon, soon, bli neder.

In the interim, I had a few quick things to share:

- This year’s Mother’s Day tribute post, is found over at Jewesses with Attitude. It  was an honor to get to write about two of the most amazing women I have ever known at once. I’ve written about both of them here before separately, but to put them together was extra inspiring.

- I am in fact still in denial over how soon I need to say goodbye to Denver, so please don’t remind me. The ambiguity of mid-July keeps me in denial.

- Dustin and I are keeping a secondary blog to chronicle the daily life of stuff leading up to and eventually happening in Israel. Feel free to read along if you are intereted in that stuff: bayitguti.wordpress.com

- If you want to connect us to cool new friends in Jerusalem, feel free! I have some friends there alredy, but the more the merrier! (I think I’ll need some people to help me make the adjustment.)

- Have I mentioned that I’ve never been to Israel? Like, never ever. The first time my feet will touch the holy land’s pavement will be when I step off the plane on August 2nd to move there for two years. (Let the freak outs commence.)

Hmmm… I swear there was more, but I am not totally sure what it was.

Redefining Melissa

Over the past week, I have had a series of interactions and experiences which separately may not have done much, but strung together really made me stop and think.

Before diving into the meat of the matter, allow me to recap my subtly inspiring week. Monday the announcement was sent to my colleagues and our boards about my impending move to Israel, which allowed me to share it here and speak about it openly. | Tuesday I had my first learning session with my Partners in Torah chevruta (study buddy) and was thrilled to get to do some serious learning with a great woman. | Wednesday I started connecting about part-time job opportunities for while I am learning, was asked to study the halachot  (laws) of head covering with a friend who is interested in learning them, and had an amazing heart-to-heart with a friend while helping her set up for her son’s Bar Mitzvah. | Thursday I attended the first gala event for a local campus chabad and met my rebbetzin doppelgänger who gave a very inspiring speech about humility, where she asserted that in order to be humble we must embrace what we uniquely have to offer the world. At the same time, I was celebrating the recognition of a good friend, mentee, and future chevruta as the amazing young leader she is. | Over Shabbat, I found myself listening to my husband learning Pirkei Avot on the balcony with a friend (sorry D and A!) and when I finished my book, I turned to Inside Outside, rather than the next novel on my list.

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Post by Melissa

So much of my identity has always been built around what I do, as opposed to who I really am.  I have let career goals define most of my adult life, and before then it was other activities I was involved in.  While these are all a part of who I am, none of them alone is me. Melissa is a dynamic person with many hats (literally and figuratively), and being able to transition amongst them and even discard ones that no longer represent where I am or where I’m going is ok, as is boxing them up and taking them down to try on periodically to see if it is time to put them back in rotation. Just as I have favorite hats and scarves because they are comfortable and steady reflection of me, so to do I need to push the boundaries and try something new once in a while.

The decision to learn in Israel was very difficult for me.  The idea of wearing the hat of a student without a degree at the end was extremely uncomfortable. I vacillated more times than I can count between getting a second masters degree (I already have an MSW), learning, volunteering, working, and every combination thereof for the two years we intend to be in Israel.  My close friends and family would ask “So, what’s the plan this week?” when we spoke, and knowing that I was changing my mind constantly.  In the end, I decided to focus on learning torah lishma (essentially, learning for the sake of learning) because it is a once in lifetime experience to learn like that in Israel.  And while I hope to have some part-time work, it is to make living more comfortable, rather than from an inexplicable need to define myself by a job.

So what did the above mentioned events of the week have to do with all of this? I found myself wanting to learn and grow and engage with my newest hat: student without a degree goal.  I am embracing this next step of my life in perfect alignment and timing.  It is as though making it public allowed me to shift and embrace it in a way I had previously been unable (or unwilling) to do. In allowing myself to make a decision and get excited about, it has permeated my life – intermingling with the components which were already present.

I am more than any one part of who I am.  I am a career oriented woman. I am an observant Jewish woman. I am a lifetime student. I am a blogger, a mentor, a relative, a wife, a future rebbetzin, and so much more.  I am all of these things, and yet none of these things.  While none of them completes me, they each add something to who I am. I am creating a new reality for myself, not defined by any one  piece of who I am, but looking to unite those things together. (I know that I mentioned on Monday that my new career goal embraces this type of blending, but it took a bit longer for it to become a part of my bigger picture.)

So while I have a bit of a road to go before I can really redefine rebbetzin, I’m excited that for the time being I can redefine myself instead.

Review: SuperSlip by Shell Sheli

I was recently contacted by one of my favorite online shops for modest layering pieces, Shell Sheli, to review their new product: the SuperSlip. As a tall woman, I can definitely appreciate the idea of a skirt extender, though I was a bit hesitant to accept the product as I am so tall, I feared it still wouldn’t work for me. After some very nice and informative emails, I agreed to test this new and innovative product for you all.

Here is the basic info:

The top is a smooth polyester slip to lay flat under your skirt without adding bulk.

The bottom 8″ is made from a thicker material to extend the line of your skirt.

It is 26″ long and held in place with a thin elastic band which allows you to comfortable wear it at any point to make it the perfect length.

It comes in A-line and Pencil shapes to meet the needs of your wardrobe.

 

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When my package arrived (quite speedily!), I was eager to get a good feel for these innovative slips. I tried one on under my comfy skirt just to get an idea, and it was love at first sight.

Post by Melissa

I wore the a-line slip under a skirt to work on Thursday, and the pencil slip under a summery dress on Shabbat.  The pencil slip was worn in place of a jersey knit layering skirt, and was a very different feeling.  It stayed in place better while walking, and was also much lighter – such a great alternative for summer! Both days I found myself to be extremely comfortable, not having to mess with my skirt or be self conscious. While I had to wear them down around my hips in order to be long enough, it didn’t bother me at all.  I also pulled it up to wear high for a test to see around the house, and that was also comfortable.  The diversity of these slips is amazing. The only negative I can say is that it did shorten my stride – though that isn’t inherently a bad thing, sometimes its nice to be forced to slow down a bit.

For a limited time, use coupon code “blossom” and save 15% on your order, and if you are fast, you’ll have them in time for Pesach!

Note: I received both slips for free to review, however I did not receive any additional compensation. 

Faith is packing your timbrel

I started this post back in April after a sermon in which a friend of mine used the phrase “faith is packing your timbrel” and I got super fixated on this concept.

My Hebrew name is Miriam and my favorite holiday is Pesach (Passover) and I have long felt an affinity toward Miriram’s method of going out of Egypt. So when we read Shirat Hayam (The Song of the Sea) this past Shabbat, I decided the time was now to actually expand on this concept.

We don’t know a lot about the content of Miriam’s song after the Israelites passed through the sea, nor the dance the women did with their timbrels – but it is clear that they had their timbrels.  On some level, the women knew (or maybe just hoped) that Moses was right, and there was a higher power who would safely lead them out of Egypt.  That the slavery was ending and soon there would be a reason to celebrate again.

They left in such haste that they didn’t do many things, but they remembered their timbrel.  Something so frivolous was not left behind to leave things to chance.  They took their timbrels along in their precious space.

Would we do that now?  If we had to flee our surroundings, would any of us take something which is such a clear component of joy?  Would we have the faith to know that things would work out for the best and we would have a use for them again?  Or would we take practical things like clothes and food and just hope that someday we can replace the fun stuff?

I like to think that Miriam set the stage for us.  That women everywhere have this instinct to know that things will get better and that Hashem will provide for us.  That we can all channel the first prophetess in our own trying times. Most of all, I pray that we always have faith enough to pack our proverbial timbrels.

 

And if you are anything like me, you can’t talk about Miriam or timbrels without Debbie Friedman (z”l) coming into your head, so I had to include Miriam’s Song with this post.

 

Q&A: Why Ask the Rebbetzin?

We were recently approached by the author of Coin Laundry, to respond to this recent post about the role of the rebbetzin*. I interpreted it slightly differently than Melissa, as this:

Why are they asking the Rebbetzin? Why do they think she’s qualified?

The simple explanation is that there is a cultural expectation that she will either be able to answer your question, be able to find the information you need, or be able to put you in touch with the right person, as well as that she will be discrete and competent.

Why this is the case is more complicated, of course. I’m going to try to focus a little bit on the historical development, since I think it sheds a little light and context on this. I also highly recommend a book, “The Rabbi’s Wife” by Shuly Rubin Schwartz, which is, as far as I know, the only work of it’s kind. It traces the modern development of the rabbi’s wife in the last 150 years or so. It’s not exactly the same as the communities you’re describing, but it does give a lot of useful insight.

The title of rebbetzin developed at a time when there weren’t a lot of educational opportunities for women, and what there was pretty much ended when you got married, which everyone had to do. These women, understandably, often married the men who were in the position they wished to be. Even in the liberal movements, there have only been mainstream female rabbis for just about forty years or so, which is a blink of an eye in Jewish history. So, interestingly enough, women in liberal congregations in the early 20th century were just as likely to be performing the functions described by the others who’ve answered your question as these Orthodox rebbetzins are today. Religiously educated women are becoming more and more common in the Orthodox world, however, and I’m curious what will happen in the future.

That curiosity is really what motivated me, at least, to start this blog. Partly it’s about feeling like I have something to say, but it’s also about the role of the modern rebbetzin, especially in the context of a tradition that is still very much battling over and with gender roles. For those in the communities that are more right-leaning than mine, it’s likely that they’re not facing these same issues just quite yet.

I’ll end with a story. A few weeks ago, I hosted a meeting of the rabbinical school’s wives club at our apartment. As the group of us squished into our small living room to hear the speaker, we all knew it was partially our own interest and partially our knowledge that if our husbands are to be congregational or Hillel rabbis, we will probably be involved in some way. And so, we learned about sexuality and halacha together, with that in the back of our minds. It was partially about us as strong, educated women – and partially about those future congregants, out there, somewhere.

As always, we’re always open to questions, comments and thoughts!

Q&A: Why Ask the Rebbetzin? – Mel’s Answer

We were recently approached by the author of Coin Laundry, to respond to this recent post about the role of the rebbetzin*.  At the end of the day, the questions is essentially this:

Why ask the Rebbetzin? How is she qualified to answer?

(This is a complex answer and sort of winds through a few topics. So, while I know what I want to say, I’m actually having a difficult time structuring it.)

For many people, rebbetzins are more approachable, more human, more real-life than their spouses.  Without the title, they become more accessible and are often engaging the community in a more direct and personable way – perhaps even working in different areas within the Jewish community.  When dealing with personal matters, they may be more approachable and have more worldly experience to provide.  When dealing with women’s issues (ie. head covering and taharat hamishpacha), they may be more relatable and have personal experiences and anecdotes to add to the halacha.  For some women, the questions they have around these topics are less about the halacha than about the practical applications.  As a future rebbetzin, I already am asked these sorts of question regularly and I only anticipate that their frequency will increase in the years to come.

For many Rabbinic families, they go through the process together on some level. In fact, rabbinical programs are beginning to notice this more and are starting to step up and offer various levels of programming and training for future rebbetzins as well as the future rabbis. And in other cases where this isn’t provided, the future rebbetzins have sought out their own learning somewhere along their path as well.  It is wrong to assume that just because a woman does not have smicha or an otherwise official title, she is not learned and able to answer halachic questions. I know that my path to being a rebbetzin is paved with education.

I have many more rebbetzin mentors than rabbis in my life.  One of whom told me that there are two ways to approach it: that you are a team that is prepared to help and engage your community however you are needed or that you are two individuals with your own career paths, where one is the rabbi and the other is clearly not.  For my husband and I, the former is the right fit.  We are a team in our life and will continue to be one as he enters the rabbinate and I whole-heartedly embrace being the rebbetzin.

*I intentionally ignored the mentioned response that it is the only position of authority for women in contemporary Orthodox Judaism as that is a totally different post. Perhaps someday I shall tackle that too.

Rules for Raising Girls

post by Jessica

Courtesy of Facebook (where I seem to get most of my news, sports updates, engagement, wedding and birth announcements, etc), I read a series of articles that I have really found interesting about rules for raising boys and girls. Given some of my previous posts, I’m sure none of our readers are particularly surprised by that.

In general, I thought her rules were really good. For instance, for boys “Relationships are important and he needs to be faithful and monogamous.” and “Teach your son laundry, vacuuming, dishes and dusting.” My personal favorite though, was teaching him to dance…and letting him dance in a pink tutu if he feels like it. Her reasoning was great “Either he’ll grow out of it or he’ll never struggle with his identity.”  And for girls, they’re all fabulous, until, of course, you get to number 19.

 19.  Don’t let your daughter marry young.  Encourage her to get out and see the world, live on her own and figure out who she is and what she wants in a partner before she settles down.

I don’t think she meant it as an attack, but I think she might be reacting to something else.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand her fears. In general, I think people unconsciously have some old fashioned expectations about marriage, left over, I suspect, from a time when you started having sex when you got married and there was no such thing as birth control. If you get married, you must immediately settle down, buy a house (or move into a bigger apartment), and start pumping out your 2.5 kids. Yesterday, if not sooner. No matter how old you are. So, this reasoning goes, if you get married young, you’ll be saddled with all of that immediately. I have friends who did that – and it’s particularly hard on the wife. Just out of school, small child in tow, very little work experience and struggling to establish themselves in any kind of profession. Possible, of course, just hard.

But that’s not the only model of marriage. I found my partner early, and we understand this part of our life as exploring together. Figuring out who we are and what we want out of our lives. And we made a commitment to do it together. Is it hard? Sure! Is it harder than figuring out all of that stuff and then trying to find someone who fits into your 1200 routines that you’ve developed? I don’t think so. My husband and I have talked about this a lot. When we got married, he hadn’t thought about being a rabbi very seriously. I had a vague idea that I wanted to go back to school. So, we’ve been working to figure all of that out together. And eventually, in a while, we’ll probably start looking for a slightly bigger apartment for a slightly bigger family. Are my experiences different than if I stayed single? Absolutely. But I do think it was the right thing for us. .

Getting married young isn’t for everyone. But I think age shouldn’t disqualify someone from marriage. So, my rule 19 would read something like this.

19. Don’t let your daughter get married before she’s out of college. And encourage her to see the world and find herself before she starts obsessively looking for a mate. But, if she finds someone in college (like lots of us do), make sure they plan on having time together as a couple to live their lives before they bring children into the picture. And for heaven’s sake, make sure they’ve been dating for at least a year before they get married!

So, what do you think? Other rules that need changed? Rules you’d add?

Boxes are for things, not people

I have long eluded boxes.  This is not new to me.  What is new to me is people feeling like they absolutely must be able to place me in one.  And I am not alone.  There has been a lot of talk around the web over the past few weeks about who fits in what denominational box and what exactly defines the walls of those boxes.

I will never understand who gets to decide the walls and what they are made from because it seems they are always shifting and organizations and individuals like to try to change the walls constantly based on what they feel defines the box.  Often times, the walls seem to be based on an other-ness, a sense of “if you don’t fit in what I think defines my box, you must belong in that one” – even if the people in that box feel the same sense of other-ness about the person you want to place with them.  This all sounds very vague, and it is intentionally that way because while there have been some big things in the news on these points, it is also very personal for me.

The only box I ever fit in - Post by Melissa

There is no box for me. You cannot put walls up to define me amongst a group of other Jews.  I do not fit in any denominational boundaries.

And while I have come to accept this about myself, many people I meet along the way do not know how to cope with this.  They keep trying to place me into a box I don’t fit into – trying to make me into something I am not.  Perhaps this makes people feel better about themselves for some reason.  Perhaps they think it gives clarity on some level.  Its hard for me to say why people do what that they do, what I can tell you for sure is that it doesn’t feel good to me.

So, to save you all the trouble of trying to box me in, here is what you need to know.  I do not identify with any denomination in Judaism today. I do my best to live a shomer Torah life. I learn and question and learn some more each time something comes up, so that I can make educated decisions, based in halacha.  I avoid leniency or stringency for the sake of leniency or stringency – striving to live a more centrist, yet religious, lifestyle.

As for others, stop trying to make them fit what you want or expect them to be.  Religious and spiritual journeys are highly personal. We are all on a path (which is ironically also the literal translation of halacha), and there is nothing to make one stop dead in their tracks like feeling judged about the direction their path is taking at any moment in time.

We need to support, love, and respect one another in these times more than ever. I love this video‘s reminder of that, so I shall leave you with this as a happy note.

Flashback….

Post by Melissa (Photo Copyright Real Photography)

Today is my birthday, which also means its the 3rd anniversary of D and I getting engaged – so I thought I’d take a break from the real meat of the blog and recap a personal moment without which I would not be a Rebbetzin-of-the-future

Here is the text of the email I sent to my family and friends the next day:

Yesterday Dustin took me on a birthday outing to Garden of the Gods (www.gardenofgods.com). On our way I took a bunch of pictures of the scenic mountains which flanked our trip and we had a good conversation.
We got over to where the park is and started looking for a place to park so we could work around a bit. Eventually we found a nice little spot and headed in to get a closer view of their majesty. He kept trying to get us closer, and we wound up getting right up to the base of one of my favorite rocks. We laughed and were silly a bit, then while I was sitting down just looking at the rocks, he told me he had something to ask me, and said some nice things – then asked me to marry him! As I’m sure I will never hear the end of, I jokingly said no – and we both laughed and hugged and stuff. Then he asked again, b/c I had said no – and I of course said “yes, of course” and we had a moment at the base of this majestic, gorgeous, almost surreal rock in this quiet garden park…. I don’t think I will ever forget that.
While in the moment, my phone rang and it was one of my good friends calling to wish me a happy birthday – clearly he knew the right moment to interrupt, though I let it go to voicemail.
Dustin and I decided to keep it to ourselves for awhile (or so I thought), and enjoyed the park some more and then he drove around Colorado Springs – showing me some of his old stomping grounds. We reached the point where we really had to head back up b/c he had some studying to do – or so he said!
When we got home, there was a trail of rose petals leading from the elevator to our door, with two candles outside the door. (Though there was also two of our teenager friends/the Rabbi’s kids  looking suspicous trying to get into the building when we arrived.)
We were greeted by friends in our kitchen preparing a gourmet meal (since we don’t eat at non-kosher restaurants – it was hard to have the romantic dinner he wanted – so our wonderful friends stepped in to provide it!), which was then served to us by some of our favorite teens and pre-teens. After a nice, romantic, candlelight dinner – the friends (and more!) showed up again for an impromptu party which even Dustin was not aware of!
We both had the excitement factor increase as our friends sang Od Y’shama (a traditonal Jewish wedding song) and we realized it was for us!

We are both very excited to take this next step and to begin planning our wedding! We are planning on getting married in our wonderful synagogue next summer…

Its hard to believe how long ago it was, other than how little our teen/pre-teen friends are in the photos, it feels like it was yesterday.  I hope our memories only grow stronger as our relationship grows each and every day.

Thanks for joining us on our journey!

(The photo is one of our professional engagement pictures, which was taken in front of the rock he proposed at.)

Shabbos Makeup?

Ok, this may seem frivolous

Post by Melissa

compared to most of my posts, but I just need to say it.

I don’t get “Shabbos Makeup.”

Aliza Hausman posted this recently and its been on my mind ever since.  If I wear powder makeup normally, can I wear that on Shabbat? What makes this powder special? Why does it matter? Why is this powder different from all other powder?

I get wanting to find a way to wear makeup.  I love to wear makeup when I want to look a bit prettier, and know many women who wear sheitels on Shabbat specifically because of the inability to wear makeup.  But how does that create a need for a whole industry of halachically approved makeup? There are multiple websites which sell it, and every major frum website has insights about wearing makeup.  Clearly its a thing, but it is beyond my comprehension.

Someone please enlighten me on this phenomena!