Chag Sameach v’Kasher!

Just wanted to take a break from our cooking frenzies to wish you all a happy, healthy, and kosher Passover.

As you think about our ancestors leaving Mitrayim, and trying to identify that you too went out of Egypt, take a moment to think about difficult experiences in your own life which you have grown from in the past and where you have opportunity to free yourselves in your life now.

May this week be filled with growth as we truly embrace our freedoms.

 

 

Oh, and just in case you missed it, Passover Rhapsody – one of the best holiday viral videos ever.

Q&A: Why Ask the Rebbetzin?

We were recently approached by the author of Coin Laundry, to respond to this recent post about the role of the rebbetzin*. I interpreted it slightly differently than Melissa, as this:

Why are they asking the Rebbetzin? Why do they think she’s qualified?

The simple explanation is that there is a cultural expectation that she will either be able to answer your question, be able to find the information you need, or be able to put you in touch with the right person, as well as that she will be discrete and competent.

Why this is the case is more complicated, of course. I’m going to try to focus a little bit on the historical development, since I think it sheds a little light and context on this. I also highly recommend a book, “The Rabbi’s Wife” by Shuly Rubin Schwartz, which is, as far as I know, the only work of it’s kind. It traces the modern development of the rabbi’s wife in the last 150 years or so. It’s not exactly the same as the communities you’re describing, but it does give a lot of useful insight.

The title of rebbetzin developed at a time when there weren’t a lot of educational opportunities for women, and what there was pretty much ended when you got married, which everyone had to do. These women, understandably, often married the men who were in the position they wished to be. Even in the liberal movements, there have only been mainstream female rabbis for just about forty years or so, which is a blink of an eye in Jewish history. So, interestingly enough, women in liberal congregations in the early 20th century were just as likely to be performing the functions described by the others who’ve answered your question as these Orthodox rebbetzins are today. Religiously educated women are becoming more and more common in the Orthodox world, however, and I’m curious what will happen in the future.

That curiosity is really what motivated me, at least, to start this blog. Partly it’s about feeling like I have something to say, but it’s also about the role of the modern rebbetzin, especially in the context of a tradition that is still very much battling over and with gender roles. For those in the communities that are more right-leaning than mine, it’s likely that they’re not facing these same issues just quite yet.

I’ll end with a story. A few weeks ago, I hosted a meeting of the rabbinical school’s wives club at our apartment. As the group of us squished into our small living room to hear the speaker, we all knew it was partially our own interest and partially our knowledge that if our husbands are to be congregational or Hillel rabbis, we will probably be involved in some way. And so, we learned about sexuality and halacha together, with that in the back of our minds. It was partially about us as strong, educated women – and partially about those future congregants, out there, somewhere.

As always, we’re always open to questions, comments and thoughts!

Q&A: Why Ask the Rebbetzin? – Mel’s Answer

We were recently approached by the author of Coin Laundry, to respond to this recent post about the role of the rebbetzin*.  At the end of the day, the questions is essentially this:

Why ask the Rebbetzin? How is she qualified to answer?

(This is a complex answer and sort of winds through a few topics. So, while I know what I want to say, I’m actually having a difficult time structuring it.)

For many people, rebbetzins are more approachable, more human, more real-life than their spouses.  Without the title, they become more accessible and are often engaging the community in a more direct and personable way – perhaps even working in different areas within the Jewish community.  When dealing with personal matters, they may be more approachable and have more worldly experience to provide.  When dealing with women’s issues (ie. head covering and taharat hamishpacha), they may be more relatable and have personal experiences and anecdotes to add to the halacha.  For some women, the questions they have around these topics are less about the halacha than about the practical applications.  As a future rebbetzin, I already am asked these sorts of question regularly and I only anticipate that their frequency will increase in the years to come.

For many Rabbinic families, they go through the process together on some level. In fact, rabbinical programs are beginning to notice this more and are starting to step up and offer various levels of programming and training for future rebbetzins as well as the future rabbis. And in other cases where this isn’t provided, the future rebbetzins have sought out their own learning somewhere along their path as well.  It is wrong to assume that just because a woman does not have smicha or an otherwise official title, she is not learned and able to answer halachic questions. I know that my path to being a rebbetzin is paved with education.

I have many more rebbetzin mentors than rabbis in my life.  One of whom told me that there are two ways to approach it: that you are a team that is prepared to help and engage your community however you are needed or that you are two individuals with your own career paths, where one is the rabbi and the other is clearly not.  For my husband and I, the former is the right fit.  We are a team in our life and will continue to be one as he enters the rabbinate and I whole-heartedly embrace being the rebbetzin.

*I intentionally ignored the mentioned response that it is the only position of authority for women in contemporary Orthodox Judaism as that is a totally different post. Perhaps someday I shall tackle that too.

Channeling Chana

Every year I make a “resolution” at the Jewish New Year.  Not a fluffy one like people often make on January 1 that is forgotten just a few weeks in – but something that will hopefully make me a better Jew.

Last year, my goal for the year was to give more monetary tzedakah.  I have always been good at giving time and items, but not so much financially, and while I don’t have the money to give as much as I would really like to be able to – I recognized that if I planned it out, I could give more than I had been.  Working for a Jewish non-profit definitely helped me in this way and I feel like I have taken concrete steps towards identifying how I can best give financially and more personally.  Both are important, so now I need to find the balance. (And before anyone says it, yes I know that working as much as I do for a Jewish non-profit is a huge gift of tzedakah in reality as well.)

Post by Melissa

This year, I wanted to focus on tefillah as that is someplace I tend to keep having the best intentions but not following through on making changes.  There are two components which I considered, the first being better about remembering to pray three times a day and the second being better about mouthing the words of my prayer.  I decided to focus on the second first because I feel that saying the words (rather than just reading them) makes praying more meaningful and intentional.  I’d rather pray less often but with more focus, then more often without.

I have also always had a bigger block to mouthing the words of my prayer.  You see, I feel like a crazy person talking to herself – but the story from which we derive the need to daven in this way makes the same point.  We read in Samuel that our ancestor Chana prayed in Shilo silently and desperately for a child, where the High Priest proceeds to  scold her, mistaking her voiceless prayer for the ravings of a drunk woman.  She replied that he is incorrect and that she is “a tormented woman. I have drunk no wine or other strong drink, but I have been pouring out my heart to God.”  From this, we gain the custom to inaudibly speak our prayers.

I feel like if Chana could do it in such a way that mistook her for a drunk, perhaps I too can find the kavannah to overcome my preoccupation with the appearance in order to daven more purposefully and to pour out my heart to Hashem.

Rosh Hashana Recap

This Rosh Hashana was a profound and unique few days for me, so I wanted to take a moment to reflect and recap them with you all.  It was our first big holiday in our new community, and the first time either D or I have lived in a place with so many options and such a diverse spectrum of people with which to celebrate.

Of the four services over the two day chag (holiday) I prayed in four different minyanim (places of communal prayer).  All of them I had prayed with before, none of them on a day like Rosh Hashana.

On the first night, I went to the big traditional synagogue in the area.  They have a chazzan (cantor) with a fabulous voice and a great male choir so it was nice to get a bit of that vibe.  Also, it happens to be where my best friend davens, so I got to spend a bit of time with her and her family on the holiday, for the first time since I moved to the city she lives in 5 years ago.  That night, we had dinner with a bunch of new friends which was just a lovely way to start the year.

On the first day, I went to a small minyan that meets at the synagogue I went to for first night. (Well, that’s only half true, I started the morning at the minyan next door where we normally go and the rebbetzin had said I could go to because there is always room in the women’s section.  However, there was a seating chart and I didn’t have a ticket and it made me nervous, so I left during the torah service and met D at the other minyan.) The visiting Rabbi gave a very inspiring talk about crying and how the most meaningful cry is that of coming home, and that he feels that is what the shofar is all about.  That sort of the set the mood for every shofar blast I heard over the chag.  We had a nice quiet lunch together, and then did some cooking for the dinner we were hosting.

On the second night, I unexpectedly got to pray with my normal minyan which I already know and love.  I had been at Tashlich talking to some friends when we realized it was time to go, they assured me there had been less people present the night before and seating was not an issue. So I went off to pray without finishing what we needed to do for dinner. Lucky for me, the Rabbi gave a brief class between the afternoon and evening services, so I could scurry home and prep my fruits and veggies and change clothes.  I made it back just as the evening service started and it was great – both to be able to make the most of my time and to pray in a space where I feel at home.  Afterwards, we hosted a nice group of friends over for dinner and got to blend our old and new communities at one happy table.

On the second day, I went to the inaugural Rosh Hashana services of the lay minyan I have gotten involved with recently. It was a refreshing service and a nice change of pace.  The services were short and to the point, but still filled with meaning and inspiration.  My favorite part though was that rather than one long d’var torah (which I inevitably lose focus during), they had 5 people give short talks throughout the service, including me.  Having so many people speak about so many different topics was a wonderfully refreshing alternative.  Each drash was very different and reflected the variety of people involved in the minyan which makes it so special.   Afterwards, we had a nice casual lunch with one of our favorite couples and their adorable daughter who never fails to make me smile.

Then we came home to finish getting ready for Shabbat! What a fabulous whirlwind three days it made! So many great friends to share meals with and inspiring words of Torah to be heard.  Though I will say, it was lovely to sleep in today and even the fast isn’t so bad after the three days of celebratory meals. (That said, I am writing this on fasting brain, so I apologize for any of it which may not make so much sense.)

Wives Club

post by Jessica

About a week ago, we had the first meeting of the wives club for the rabbinical school. Clearly the experience of my fellow wives is something that I’m interested in, but I wasn’t sure exactly what the meeting would be. It was a small group, mostly because there are only about 15 wives total, so miss just a few of them and it’s a small group. Still, it was nice to talk about the issues of the day, and especially to talk to the wife of one of the students who is farther along at the yeshiva, and get her perspective on marriage and family while in yeshiva.

It’s part support group and part discussion group, so there were actually a few questions passed around for discussion. They were really interesting, a sort of check-in with where we are and I thought I’d share some of them and my answers now that I’ve had a little while to think about them. The subject was religious differences, which is something that R and I have been navigating since we started dating.

1. Do you anticipate conflict between your own religious beliefs and practices and the expectations of that others (including your spouse) have of you?

Lately, there hasn’t been too much conflict between the two of us about religious practice/belief. Most of the conflict is me being conflicted about my own level of observance. However, my conflict is largely stemming from what I anticipate will be the expectations of me when we are in a community and he is the rabbi and separating that from what I feel committed to. I anticipate that conflict, and I’m not sure how it will play out.

2. Are R & I on the same page religiously? How are we the same/different?

We are probably more similar now than we have been in a while, but there are definitely areas of difference. We consciously strive to make sure that it’s not in areas of communal need (i.e. not interfering with one another’s practice), and in general it’s that I’m more liberal than he is. I do think that we’ve both been consciously getting back into some traditions that we got out of while we were being crazy with Hillel.

3. Are you comfortable having differences in belief and practices?

When our relationship was founded, we knew there were differences, and likely always would be. We’ve gotten closer and farther and closer again over the years, but it’s always been something to be talked about and understood together. I do know that when we have kids it’ll be something that we’ll have to be even more clear about – never mind figuring out what we want to teach them and how.

4. Do you think rabbinical school has had/will have an effect on any of the things mentioned?

I’m not sure yet, clearly. I sort of imagine we might end up incorporating things that he learns in school into our daily practice, or that as he learns things we may have more information to make different decisions in our lives. The thing I do know is that we spend a lot of time talking about both rabbinical school and NYU, trying to share as much as we can. We have really different experiences on a day to day basis, and I think it’s been important to really actively keep those lines of communication open. Hopefully those will help us if any of these issues come up.

On another note, it was really great to meet a few wives and get to talk about these things for a few hours. I’m looking forward to doing it again soon, and I’m grateful that the school supports these kinds of things for us!

a simcha for the blog

I know its Friday, a day we don’t typically post as we (and many of you) are using our spare time to prepare for Shabbat, but this news just could not wait!

Awhile back we posted to social media that there was something in the works we were both very excited about.  Well loyal readers, the wait is over.

What we were excited about was the chance to be interviewed for the Sisterhood blog at The Forward!

Today our interview was posted and we are happy to share it here with you all!

It was a great honor to be contacted by this author, and for a blog we have such respect for to want to feature a story about our blog and our journeys.  Please take a moment to read it, comment on it, and then come back here and share in this great simcha.

ETA: Thanks for such a WONDERFUL day here at RR! Make sure to follow us either in your blog reader of choice, twitter or on facebook!

Be Called to Search

Post by Melissa

This past Friday I have the D’var Torah (literally word of Torah) at our monthly All-Staff meeting.  I was inspired as I awoke of what I wanted to address, wrote it while walking to work, and liked how it turned out.  So, I wanted to share it with you all

 

This week we celebrated Rosh Chodesh Elul – the month preceding Tishrei which brings us the Yamim Noraim.

Beginning on the second day of Elul and running right up to the day before Rosh Hashana we blow the shofar every morning (except on Shabbat).  The shofar is a loud and distinctive sound.  It calls to us in a way which we cannot ignore, nor mistake for anything else. It calls us to action.

Does everyone have the sound in their head? Ok, great – moving along.

Many drashot around this time highlight that the Hebrew letters which spell the word Elul – aleph, lamed, vav, lamed – are an acronym for the well known saying “ani l’dodi v’dodi li” commonly translated as “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” This is part of Shir Ha’shirim, which is a love poem said to be between Gd and the Jewish people.

I don’t want to go there though. There are lots of pieces around you can read if you want to on that.

There is something else about the word Elul which strikes me more.  In Aramaic, which was the colloquial language at the time when the months were likely named, Elul means search. So the month of Elul calls us to search.

But what does that really mean?  

On a personal level, I think we all have to decide for ourselves. We all know in our guts what we need to be searching for as we approach the new year – the hard part is to letourselves listen toour internal shofar and act accordingly.

I pray that this month as we begin out individual searches… {I concluded with stuff relevant only to my coworkers and not to the general public, so you get a new prayer below}

 

I pray that this month, as we begin our individual searches, we can come together as a collective Jewish people and move forward.  We can only do this by each acting in the best interests of the community and putting aside that which divides us in favor of what unites us.  I pray that this month brings comfort, closure, and healing to us all.  May we be guided to fulfilling and meaningful teshuva as we prepare for the new year.

Shabbat Street Lights?

Before I get to writing my post for today I just want to reiterate that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone on the East Coast dealing with Hurricaine/Tropical Storm Irene and the flooding, power outtages, and flying debris I’m seeing on The Weather Channel.  Please stay safe out there friends!

 

Post by Melissa

As I have briefly mentioned, D and I recently moved about 5 miles across our town into a new community.  There are many more religious Jews living in this area, and as such a totally different vibe on Shabbat.

Yesterday,we went to an Ice Cream Social in a neighborhood park with some lovely young families, and noticed something while walking home.  The stoplight at our corner turned and the walk signal was activated as we approached.  There was no one else waiting to cross the street who may have pushed the button, and not even any cars who would have triggered the light to change.

D and I looked at each other in awe, as we know that normally you have to push the button, and beyond that, the walk signal on that side of the street hasn’t been working lately even when you push the button.  On past Shabbatot (plural of Shabbat) we had just crossed the street when there weren’t cars, which can be tricky given that it is a major street and just a block up from a very busy intersection.

Our best understanding of this occurance is that the city has knowledge of the number of religious Jews in the area and has thus set the walk signals to go automatically on Saturdays.  While I have never heard of this before and it seems kind of crazy for a relatively small community, it is the best answer we could come up with.  I think its pretty cool!  Now that I know, I will always wait for the light, as it is clearly not safe to try to hustle across the street. (I can only imagine trying to do it with little legs like so many of the families here would have to do.)

Have you ever encountered cool things that help protect religious Jews on Shabbat?

 

Addicted…

The d’var torah (sermon, for lack of better word – but literally “words of torah”) on a recent Shabbat was about Moshe and his need to continue doing mitzvot right up until the end of his life.
The Rabbi told a story from the midrash (stories that fill in the gaps in the Torah and act as commentaries to what is written) that says one commentary on this is that Moshe was an addict. *gasp* Yes, that’s right, our great leader, Moshe Rabbenu, was addicted to something. He was addicted to mitzvot.

I really like this image.  (So much so that two weeks later, I’m writing a post about it!)

I think we all have things in life we are addicted to, some better than others. Mitzvot, are definitely the best thing I can imagine being addicted to.
Can you imagine being so focused on it that you just can’t imagine doing anything else with your life? That every single thing you do is always mitzvah centric? It astounds me.

I spent some time thinking about this and came to a realization. While I am definitely not grand enough to be so focused on a large scale, I have a slight mitzvah addiction. D and I are addicted to the mitzvah of hachnasat orchim – welcoming guests.

Regardless of what else is going on, we always strive to open our home to anyone in need. Be it for a Shabbat meal or a place to sleep for a night – our doors are always open.  We have had guests at times when it is the most inconvinet for us, but it is not about us – it is about whoever is in need of having a place to go.  So what if my house isn’t the biggest and we have to get very cozy to add one more person around the table, if that person would otherwise be alone – we can squish!  So what if our guest room is a mess, if a person otherwise doesn’t have a place to stay – we’ll clean what we can and they’ll be happy to have a place to lay their head!  Being able to open our home to others is one small way we can give back, and one which is rewarding beyond measure.  I don’t imagine entering treatment for this addiction anytime soon!

(I haven’t mentioned this much, but D and I recently moved and as such, we’ve been the recipients of this mitzvah quite a bit, and it is one that feels just as good to give as to receive!)

 

What mitzvah are you on the path to being addicted to?