Reaching in while reaching out

Post by Melissa

There is a huge push in the organized Jewish community towards more outreach.  Outreach to disengaged Jews, outreach to young adults, outreach to college students, outreach to young families, out – out – out.  While I clearly agree that we need to outreach to all of these populations, I think there is something which is getting pushed aside in the process — reaching in.

There are far too many people who have gotten lost.  Who were engaged until something came up and they got less focused and don’t know how to jump back in.  Who landed in one place that maybe wasn’t their ideal fit.  Who are going through the motions but don’t feel connected.  Who are on the periphery and searching for ways to get to the middle.  These people need our community to reach out to them even more.

As a Jewish communal professional, I see the outreach every day.  As the author of this blog and a social worker, I see the people who need the inreach also.  The outreach is what garners attention, while the inreach often gets pushed aside.  Its not the award winning projects, but it is what can make a difference in our communities in a real and tangible way.  It is where each of us, without any funders or organizational support, can make a difference in the lives of those around us.

Just this week, I had a friend express that she was struggling, all it took was inviting her to come to services with me on Friday night and to join us for dinner to get her reconnected and reengaged.  We discussed some of her interests and how she can get involved in those parts of our community – and it made a difference.  These aren’t big things, but they make a big difference.

So today’s post is a plea and a call to action.  Take notice of who you used to see at shul and haven’t in awhile and see what is going on with them.  Check in with friends who don’t seem to be out and about like they have been in the past.  Make yourself available.  Learn about the places in your community where individuals can get involved, and share them.  Don’t be afraid to make shidduchs (matches) between people with like interests, or people and agencies where they can get involved.

Step up and step outside of your box to help someone else find the next step in their Jewish journey.

The Gender Debate

Many of you have heard about the family who is refusing to tell their friends/family/the world the gender of their baby, Storm. While I only partially understand their premise, it brought all sorts of gender issues right to the forefront. This Shavuot, I had the pleasure of being around several wonderful small children and their parents (even around here there are little Jews afoot!), the combination of which gave R & I an opening to talk about some of the gender issues surrounding parenting.  As I was thinking about it, I stumbled on two related blog posts from two different blogs:  10 Myths about Gender Neutral Parenting.  And Is it a Boy or a Girl?

As we contemplate the next step in our lives (moving and starting grad school), I keep thinking about that next bend in the road that will take us (hopefully) to parenthood.

It took me a while to realize that my parents attitudes about toys and clothing weren’t the norm. I got barbies, baby dolls, frilly princess dresses, the works – when I asked for them. I also got sporting equipment, a mini-toolbox and a (very, very fake looking) toy ray gun. Maybe it was the fact that there were no male siblings (or any siblings forthcoming at all). More likely, I think it was a conscious choice. My bedroom was painted blue, my bedding not stereotypically girly, even when I moved into a big kid room. I embraced a lot of it – my bedroom at my parents house is still blue, although I chose a flowery border and bedding to go with it when I got older.  I clearly remember embracing all of the girly things (until we moved to Canada, I lived in dresses by my own choice),but  my parents had presented the other opportunities to me – legos came in the regular colors and the pinks and pastels kind, my first “baby doll” was really a stuffed rat that I decided was a boy, and so on.

This kind of upbringing left me with this idea that no one would enforce gender stereotypes on their children. Clearly, since the women I know have some kind of occupation, whether they are currently engaging in it or not, they couldn’t buy into it! Life, however, has a way of surprising you.  Several years ago, a  friend had a baby girl. I am fairly certain every single thing in the child’s wardrobe is pink. As was the play kitchen she received at her second birthday, and the play laundry set as well. Not that this means that this wonderful toddler won’t grow up to be a strong woman – it just hit some kind of nerve in me. Parents are the entire world for their children at the beginning. We model every behavior and attitude, and to limit or categorize experiences from the get-go as “boy” experiences or “girl” experiences when so few of them really, truly are,  seems excessive. Society’s strong gender messages will get through to the child, even if the parents aren’t reinforcing them. My parents allowed me to wear dresses and play barbies, even while encouraging other kinds of play, never labeling things. I learned later, both about the weird stereotypes Barbie plays into and that society expected me to like Barbie and my male cousin not to.

I wonder about all of this in the context of more traditional Judaism. With a bris or simchat bat in our future, our potential baby’s gender wouldn’t be a secret. Still, I don’t think I would go for the little blue or pink room based on gender. Especially given the gendered nature of our religion and lifestyle, I would want our children to be allowed to explore as much as they can so that they understand that so much of what is “feminine” or “masculine” is cultural – a skirt in Scotland could be a kilt, and a dress might be a galabiyya, etc. Not that men and women aren’t different – but that the differences are probably way less than we think they are. Maybe this is too naive a hope in a Rabbinic family, where the pressure to conform might be even stronger. At the same time, if I’m not thinking about this and hopefully setting an example…who else will?

Thoughts? Questions? Things to share? There might be more on this subject, and I’d love feedback. I’m hoping to write more regularly from here on out! 

be the change.

Tonight* I had the opportunity to listen to a very inspiring speaker. This woman was living an uninspired life devoid of Jewish connection. She had one project which led her to another and one day while reading the newspaper she had an aha moment. She realized she could no longer wait for someone else to do something. She challenged us to think of what moved us in our lives and what we could do to really effect change. She shared a quote which provides her with ongoing inspiration: “You are the someone, everyone else is waiting for.”

I have never heard a room with ~150 young adult Jews be so silent.

Post by Melissa

I’m still thinking of my thing but want to extend the challenge to all of our readers….

What stirs you at your core? What will it take for you to be the “someone” everyone else is waiting for?

*I was so moved and inspired in the moment, that I wrote this post from my BlackBerry on the way home and emailed it to myself to post. It reminds me of the quote in the photo which I have loved for many years and can only hope to execute half as well as those who have gone before me.

Random Thoughts

Hello everyone,

No brain power for a regular update, so here’s the bullet point, brain vomit version. Forgive me.

post by Jessica!

• I’ve already had three meetings at work regarding Passover. I can’t decide if it’s a good or bad thing that it’s so late in the semester this year.
• Although the economy is supposed to be improving, apparently the powers-that-be that control the purse strings here haven’t heard about it. The budget next year is hard to think about. In a way, it makes me glad to not be here next year. In another, I love my students too much to leave them in the lurch. We’re working on fixing things.
• I hate when things are totally out of your control, and no matter how well you’re doing, it’s too tough.
• I’m doing an ASB trip in about a month! We’re going to Miami!! I have an amazing group of twelve girls, and I think we’re going to have a blast. I hope to have time to write about it here.
• On February 4, we had Interfaith Shabbat at our Hillel. It was one of the most amazing things ever. I wish I could bottle those moments and keep them in my office when I’m having a bad day.
• I may or may not be covering my hair more regularly. It seems to be sticking, but I’m not sure about it. Not even sure totally what inspired it. I seem to be doing okay with it. I need to examine it more, but who the heck has time for that.
• The professor whose office is next to mine put up a sign “11 weeks, 1 day till summer vacation.” At least I know someone is looking forward to it more than I am – I hadn’t started counting yet.
• That’s not entirely true – I did know it was five weeks until spring break, and then another 6 weeks until the end of the semester….
• One day, I want to get back into writing regularly. I just went through and read our Passover posts from last year and they were great to read.

A Talit is Not an Accessory

As someone who walks the fine line between the Conservative movement and Modern Orthodoxy while defying labels, egalitarianism is a hot bed topic. *

Post by Melissa

I can understand the rationalle behind egalitarianism, even though I don’t currently buy into it on a broad spectrum personally.  However, I am a part of a traditional Conservative community and at this time, that influences my choice to remain semi-egalitarian.  I will allow myself to be counted in a minyan and accept an aliyah.  As a part of an egalitarian community, I do not want to put them in an awkward or uncomfortable place by limiting their ability to have a minyan (ie at Shabbat mincha where there are often only 10 people) or be rude to the gabbai.  I will no longer be shaliach tzibur or leyn torah/haftorah though as that is an honor and action which is typically planned in advance.  However, if the opportunity arose to lead a woman’s minyan or read megillah in a women’s reading – I would be happy to do so.  I do not think that doing any of these things takes away from a man being able to do them, it is just baby steps on working my way to a different way of life.  Meanwhile, I totally support my sisters who make the choice to be fully egalitarian, and those who do not.

I also fully support a woman’s right to take on additional mitzvot, such as wearing talit and tefilin.  What I don’t support is doing it to make a statement or as an accessory.  It is a mitzvah which by engaging in, you obligate yourself to – so unless you feel ready to take on additional obligations, I do not encourage it.  There are plenty of mitvot for women which are not embraced as widely (*cough* mikvah *cough*) and are somehow “less than” as mitzvot because they are specifically for women.  That is where I see the downfall in egalitarianism.

We drape Bat Mitzvah girls in a talit (with or without any sort of head covering) and teach them that to be a strong Jewish woman is to do these things just like their fathers and brothers.  I recall very precisely  my own experience of becoming a Bat Mitzvah, and feeling like I was on the cusp of Jewish womanhood by leading more of the service and reading more from the Torah.  After my brother left for the US Army, I  took his tefillin and the Talit he had decoarted in USY as my own, and wore them in the synogauge minyan every Sunday before I taught Religious School.  I didn’t know why I was doing these things, just that it felt right to do it because the men did.  Last time I was at my parents home I reread my Bat Mitzvah speech (the content of which I should really post for you all someday as it my parsha was Pinchas and I spoke of women’s rights, D jokes that it will be the intro to my book) and could not help but be amused at how much my understanding of Jewish feminism has changed in the past 17 years.  I am still standing strong on the sentiments of my youth, just with very different actions and a more mature understanding of my place in the religious history, alongsde my modern sensibilites.

I now know that being a woman in Judaism is its own very special thing! We have our own obligations (even to daily prayer!) which are distinctively different because women are different.  We are not men and we do not have to be men to be successful or religiously observant.  If we embrace the power of being Jewish women – we have only the world to gain.

What is your take on egalitarianism, feminism, and being a Jewish woman?

*What I am writing will surely offend some people – that is not my intention.  It is also not meant to be a stance that represents anything or anyone other than myself at this point in time. I reserve the right to change my mind at any point in time.  I could also write endlessly on this, but need to keep blog posts shorter than the whole book in my head.  There will be more to come I’m sure.

the ultimate gift: life

Jewish tradition teaches us that to save one person’s life is as if we have saved the entire world.  This is something which has always motivated me, and has shaped my life at a few points in a few key ways.

Post by Melissa

One such way was learning about the organization “Gift of Life” when I was in graduate school.

As a very active Hillel-ite I had the opportunity to attend a few conferences during graduate school.  At one of these conferences I had the pleasure of hearing transplant donors and recipients speak about their experience with Gift of Life, and was profoundly moved.  I decided that I would register as a donor with them and do whatever I could to help spread the message.  Shortly thereafter, some of peers who had been similarly moved hosted a drive on campus to get people to join the regstry.  Sadly, I was unable to participate at that time due to health problems – but I volunteered, made a donation, and pledged to join the registry as soon as I was able.  Last spring I was finally able to join the bone marrow registry through Gift of Life and I couldn’t  imagine a more fulfilling use of 5 minutes of my day.

I also had the opportunity to an internship with bone marrow and stem cell transplant recipients.  I got to see the hardships faced by the difficulty of finding a match and the relief at finally being able to go through the process.  That renewal is like no other.

Over the years when my friends have asked for causes to donate to for various reasons, Gift of Life has often been the first one that comes to mind.  I am also currently looking into hosting drives, bringing walks, and generally being an ambassador for this phenomenal organization which embodies so much of what Judaism is about at the core – saving the future of the Jewish people in any way possible.

Jay Fineberg, the creator of Gift ofLife (and a transplant recipient himself) is currently one of the leaders in the public voting portion of  the Jewish Community Heroes Award. I have been voting for him daily, and encourage you to at least vote once. That may be the easiest thing you ever do to help save someone’s life.  If Jay wins the $25,000 grand prize, it will pay for the testing and entry of over 450 people into the bone marrow donor data base.

If you are 18-60, in general good health, and not already a registered bone marrow donor (with any organization) click here to see if you may be able to register through Gift of Life.  With more than 6000 people waiting for their match, you can make a difference.

renewelul

Post by Melissa

The month of Elul began last week, and while I fully intended to write a post on Rosh Chodesh (which was Wednesday, a normal Melissa posting day) I am glad I got too busy to make that happen, so that I can do it now instead.

Elul is the month which leads us up to the Yamim Noraim, more commonly known as the High Holidays.  Throughout Elul we reflect upon our past year and the lessons learned as we prepare for the auspicious days ahead.  Rosh Hashana provides us a new start, the ten days of repentance a time to discuss our wrongs with other people, and on Yom Kippur we make one final plea to Hashem to forgive all our wrong doings and to be sealed for another year of life.

The past year has been quite tumultuous for D and me.  We have faced the gammat of issues from my unemployment and poor health,  to the stresses of school and pre-rabbinical preparations for D, to the ultimate test – families.  We have both had a variety of physical and emotional problems amongst our closest family members.  Top it off with it being our first year of marriage and all the adjustments inherent in that and well, lets just say we are glad to see it go.

There have been some amazing highs of course, including the starting of this blog.  Not only has it given me a fun creative outlet, it has allowed me to challenge my thoughts and ideas in a constructive manner.  It has allowed me to make some great new friends and find new Rabbis to whom I can relate and ask questions just for the sake of curiosity. It has also given me a new level of passion for Jewish education and women’s issues and I hope that going forward I am able to find new ways of sharing that passion.

Given this, I do not find it ironic that I resigned myself to my destiny of being a Jewish professional as the month drew near, and that I spent the days around the new moon interviewing for a position, which I will begin this Monday. I hope this new position lights my way to a meaningful career and continued reflection and drive not only in the month of Elul, but in the months and years to come.

I encourage you to take a moment to reflect upon your year. Its strengths and weaknesses. The good and bad which has come of it. Perhaps most importantly though, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on the lessons which you learned and how you can apply that in the year to come. When the shofar sounds this Rosh Hashana, let it not be a wake-up call, but rather a call to action.

The (Evil) Rotem Bill

Ok, so I am sure that some of you are surprised at the lack of commentary on this blog about The “Rotem Bill” which has been all over the Jewish news lately.  For those of you who live under a rock (ok, maybe that was too harsh) and haven’t heard about it,  in short the bill began as a way to ease the conversion process and questions, especially in regards to the relatively recent immigration of Jews from the Former Soviet Union.  However, over time the bill evolved to the point in which it grants all authority over conversion to the Charedi Chief Rabbinate, including retroactively saying conversions are not Kosher.

The reason I have neglected to say anything on it is not because it has not been on my mind, but the exact opposite.  It has been such a heated part of my life, I could not think of how to express myself in words suitable for public consumption.  In fact I still cannot, however I also cannot go another day without mentioning it.  So instead, I will share links to many other prominent organizations and leaders who have written and spoken about the topic. This is by no means a complete list – merely a list of what I have seen and found interesting so please feel free to share more.*

Organizational Statements:

Masorti.org (link)

USCJ.org (link)

Anti-Defamation League (ADL) (link)

Professional Statements:

Rabbi Steven Wernick, CEO and Executive Vice President of USCJ (link)

Rabbi Julie Schonfeld, Executive Vice President, Rabbinical Assembly (link)

Rabbi Marc Angel, Founder/Director of the Institute for Jewish Ideas and Ideals, Rabbi Emeritus of Congregation Shearith Israel (link)

Arnold Eisen, Chancellor, Jewish Theological Seminary (JTS) (link)

Opinions:

“Are you Jewish Enough?” – Jewish Journal – 07.13 (link)

“The Diaspora Need Not Apply” – New York Times – 07.15 (link)

“Rotem’s Bill Promises but Doesn’t Deliver” – The Jewish Week – 07.20 (link)

“Editors Notes: Unconverted” - JPost  - 07.23 (link)

*As much as I am open to different viewpoints, sometimes I have to hold my ground and this is one of those times.  If you do not agree that this is bad for world Jewry, kindly keep your opinions to yourself or share them on your own blog.  This is something neither Jessica nor I are distant from and we ask you to respect that.

Men plan, God laughs.

post by Jessica

Today, R & I had lunch with our friend E downtown.

This may not seem that dramatic, but if you had a copy of our summer plans as of three weeks ago, this news would have struck you by surprise.

Why? Today, Monday, July 26, was originally moving day, the beginning of our personal Great Schlep to New York City and the beginning of my husband’s and my journey to becoming the Rabbi and Rebbetzin.

Of course, any plan can be modified by a few days one way or the other. The truth is, we had something dramatic happen about three weeks ago. On July 7, we received an exploratory phone call asking if we might be interested in two positions that had opened up at the largest Hillel in the state (also happens to be our Alma Mater), both at an executive level. So, as of our HR training this morning, R is officially the Interim Executive Director and I am the Program Director of a Hillel!

Had the call come even 15 hours later, we probably would have already found an apartment in New York City, and all bets would have been off. We were, in fact, in New York to look for places when we got the call. Given that these positions, which fit so well into our career plans (seriously, we both get experience in areas we want, we feel strongly about Hillel as an organization, and the financial benefit is nothing to sneeze at), fell into our laps at precisely the right moment (or, at least, the last possible moment), we have both had a feeling of the bashert, meant-to-be, about this. We are beyond excited and beyond nervous for this opportunity.

Of course, it has had its share of challenges. We’ve had the basic outline for our plan to move to New York for just about six months, and changing those so quickly has been a challenge. We did finally rent an apartment though – it’s just a little farther west of New York than expected! Since we’ve already been working for a week (despite when our HR training was), it’s been a challenge to try to get our apartment ready here and work as well. Still, we’ve been managing.

We didn’t make the decision lightly, either. R had to request (and did receive) a deferment from the Rabbinical School, which required explaining himself to a lot of people. I have to officially withdraw from NYU (that still has to be accomplished) and reapply in the fall, although I am told my chances are good, but I’m not guaranteed my spot. That’s been the toughest part of this whole thing!

So, our journey for the next year is going to be dramatically different. As we slowly ease our way through the transition, I’m going to work my absolute best to keep our readers up-to-date on what’s going on. As my absence for the last little while has indicated, that can be a huge struggle, but I’ll try not to keep you hanging as long next time! My deepest thanks to Mel, who has kept our little project going while I’ve been so busy!

Future of Women in Judaism

As mentioned on our Facebook Fan Page, I was recently asked to write a piece about the future of Judaism as it relates to women’s involvement.  I took it on in a true Melissa form and am both proud of the result and humbled at its inclusion.  To see my byline alongside Anita Diamant (Author and Found of Mayyim Hayyim) and Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz (Founder of Uri L’Tzedek) is one of the greatest honors in my life.

Since I am spending today in the car with my parents, headed to celebrate my niece’s 6th birthday I leave you with a few links to peruse in my absence.

My piece for the Future of Judaism Series at Patheos: An Ever-Evolving Judaism: Women Meeting the Needs of Community

The entire “Future of Judaism” series at Patheos.

A brief blog post about the series which acknowledged my piece from MyJewishLearning.com

I’d love to hear your feedback!