Digital and Physical

I feel like rebelling against my elders. Seriously, stomping my feet and crossing my arms and shouting “You don’t understand!”

Why? People proclaiming that technology will eat us. We have been afraid of it, as the article that is prompting this blog post declares, since before there was barely any technology. Our Media, Ourselves: Are we Headed for a Matrix? points out that the first technological room that disconnects us and reconnects us was imagined at a time when there were barely electric lights. Some of what is mentioned has come to pass – we certainly can teleconference with family and friends, seemingly made easier every year. But – how will our lives really be effected by technology?

I think there is a clear expectation that there will come a point where in person interaction will be entirely replaced by interface through technology. This was clarified for me by a professor, who wanted us to talk about how we thought technology would shape the future. We talked about how it would probably change a lot of things, but that there would still be a need for face-to-face time. This was clearly not the response he expected. Weren’t we the generation that was so comfortable with technology? Didn’t we think it’d take over and be everything. I explained two things: first, we’re a generation that has been from tape decks to iPods. That has been our shaping technological experience. We have no idea how to predict the future, since what we have seems totally crazy if you look at what we started with. Second, we’re also a generation that has learned that meeting someone face-to-face is irreplaceable. If online-only were okay, wouldn’t the relationships that formed online just stay there? We use the net to meet, to stay in touch, but ultimately, I think we use it to get together in real life too.

Here’s the thing, and it’s happened before: we’re slowly learning how to not let the technology eat us. And we’re trying to get intentional about it (Google the phone stack if you’re looking for an example). We learn and we adapt and we figure out rules of etiquette. Remember the early days of cell phones? When everyone was stunningly stupid about turning off their ringer? About 95% of us have figured that out, and we’ll figure out etiquette of text and how to limit when we have to answer email. All sorts of things. Not that it’s not something to worry about and think about. But it’s not inevitable. All of this stuff is about how and when you use it (or don’t).

The NPR article added something my professor didn’t, but something that we hear a lot about in predictions for the future. Remember in Back to the Future II (which you should watch, because 2015 is HILARIOUS) how the house was all fancy futuristic (while still managing to look like 1985!)? Yeah. We somehow expect that houses of the future will immediately replace those that are in existence now. I’m currently sitting in a living room that is almost 100 years old, but even my friend who is moving into her new-construction house this week didn’t build a white box. And I don’t expect to see them either, unless we’re all boarding spaceships to find a new ‘Verse in which case, all best are off.

There’s the aspect that housing styles won’t change that dramatically, that quickly. Even if, as the story predicted, we’re losing the ability to learn about our friends from glancing at their bookshelves and their CD collections, I don’t think material culture is going to disappear that quickly. In fact, I think there’s been something of a revival in the last little while – Pinterest and Etsy being heralds and harbingers. That blank space where there was a bookshelf? Now covered in some DIY decor project or something great from an Etsy seller that your host is dying to tell you about. So no, I’m not worried, but I am aware.

And don’t worry too – if the books do disappear, I’m sure they’ll be retro again in another 15 or 20 years give or take.

Rules for Raising Girls

post by Jessica

Courtesy of Facebook (where I seem to get most of my news, sports updates, engagement, wedding and birth announcements, etc), I read a series of articles that I have really found interesting about rules for raising boys and girls. Given some of my previous posts, I’m sure none of our readers are particularly surprised by that.

In general, I thought her rules were really good. For instance, for boys “Relationships are important and he needs to be faithful and monogamous.” and “Teach your son laundry, vacuuming, dishes and dusting.” My personal favorite though, was teaching him to dance…and letting him dance in a pink tutu if he feels like it. Her reasoning was great “Either he’ll grow out of it or he’ll never struggle with his identity.”  And for girls, they’re all fabulous, until, of course, you get to number 19.

 19.  Don’t let your daughter marry young.  Encourage her to get out and see the world, live on her own and figure out who she is and what she wants in a partner before she settles down.

I don’t think she meant it as an attack, but I think she might be reacting to something else.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand her fears. In general, I think people unconsciously have some old fashioned expectations about marriage, left over, I suspect, from a time when you started having sex when you got married and there was no such thing as birth control. If you get married, you must immediately settle down, buy a house (or move into a bigger apartment), and start pumping out your 2.5 kids. Yesterday, if not sooner. No matter how old you are. So, this reasoning goes, if you get married young, you’ll be saddled with all of that immediately. I have friends who did that – and it’s particularly hard on the wife. Just out of school, small child in tow, very little work experience and struggling to establish themselves in any kind of profession. Possible, of course, just hard.

But that’s not the only model of marriage. I found my partner early, and we understand this part of our life as exploring together. Figuring out who we are and what we want out of our lives. And we made a commitment to do it together. Is it hard? Sure! Is it harder than figuring out all of that stuff and then trying to find someone who fits into your 1200 routines that you’ve developed? I don’t think so. My husband and I have talked about this a lot. When we got married, he hadn’t thought about being a rabbi very seriously. I had a vague idea that I wanted to go back to school. So, we’ve been working to figure all of that out together. And eventually, in a while, we’ll probably start looking for a slightly bigger apartment for a slightly bigger family. Are my experiences different than if I stayed single? Absolutely. But I do think it was the right thing for us. .

Getting married young isn’t for everyone. But I think age shouldn’t disqualify someone from marriage. So, my rule 19 would read something like this.

19. Don’t let your daughter get married before she’s out of college. And encourage her to see the world and find herself before she starts obsessively looking for a mate. But, if she finds someone in college (like lots of us do), make sure they plan on having time together as a couple to live their lives before they bring children into the picture. And for heaven’s sake, make sure they’ve been dating for at least a year before they get married!

So, what do you think? Other rules that need changed? Rules you’d add?

Q&A: Baby wearing and head covering?

Post by Melissa

A good friend recently asked me the following question and I knew I had to come ask you all:

A friend of mine who likes to baby wear also covers her hair (scarves, generally). But kiddo is starting to pull. Any tips/tricks to keep head covered against baby hands?

Since I am not yet a mom, I am able to be intentional in my head coverings when I am going to be spending prolonged amount of time with kids.  I tend to wear the beret style hat/snoods which are easily adjustable as they get touched and pulled. However, I know many moms who wear tichels full time, so there has to be a trick, beyond just waiting for them to learn not to touch.

So dear readers, do you have any insights about how to keep little hands away from a covered head?

Thanks and Gratitude

According to the illustrious Miriam Webster, thanks and gratitude are very similar. However, I would have to disagree.

Post by Melissa

I feel that “thanks” is thrown about so casually and its so simple to say “thanks for your help/support/friendship/etc” – but how often do we truly express gratitude to those around us and to Hashem. To stop and really reflect on all the blessings in our life?

Personally, I don’t do it enough.  So while I can wax prophetic about all the reasons I dislike Thanksgiving, this one I can celebrate.

I can take a moment to express my gratitude to my beyond amazing friends and family, to having a fulfilling (even at its most stressful) job, for my (generally good) health, and for each and every one of you.  This blog started on such a whim (seriously, we should tell you all about how it really happened one day), and it has grown to be such an integral part of my life.

So this Thanksgiving, I hope we are all able to really look at the word, and seize the opportunities to give thanks – for all that we have.

A Simple Sukkot

Happy holidays, everyone! At this point in the cycle, I’m trying my best to continue to enjoy them, but it gets rough, especially as midterms approach.

pic from interwebs - post by Jessica

It’s been a crazy time in our household. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur were spent travelling halfway across the country and back, but everything went off without a hitch despite my getting a horrendous cold the Sunday after Rosh Hashanah. Since we were with family, the day after Yom Kippur my mom held her birthday party. It was a few weeks early, but what better time to celebrate than when we could all be together? Besides, with turning 60, it needed to be special!

With all the travelling and staying a little extra for the party, we arrived home just 24 hours before Sukkot would start, and pretty stressed out. Sukkot had kind of fallen off the radar and now it was upon us, with no formal plans. I was worried it might turn out to be kind of a lame chag, but that’s not what happened. Instead, we were able to make it special, although pretty different from what we’re both used to.

Wednesday was rushed. I had made a meal plan the night we arrived home, but I was at school all day until almost 4pm. R, since the rabbinical school has Sukkot break, got the apartment ready for the holiday and went grocery shopping. With me still fighting the end of my cold and the weather report in NYC being pretty cold and damp, we planned to eat most of our meals indoors, hopefully after saying kiddush in the Sukkah at synagogue. We didn’t have guests or invitations.

So what made it so great? The simple things. First, we had a slew of new recipes to try out, all of which turned out wonderfully. From Thai Chicken Salad and Kashi Veggie Pilaf to Minestrone Soup, everything was delicious, and included a lot of fall vegetables, which helped us get into the “harvest” spirit, even though we were indoors and New York City doesn’t have a lot of fall foliage to speak of. Second, we spent the time to cook our meals together, enjoying the time as a couple, to reconnect after the hectic travel schedule and even just being away from each other for 10 hours at a time during our regular schedule. Third, because of the new recipes and the fact that we set the table the way we would if there were more than just the two of use, it felt special together and we made the meals last by talking or singing together, and teaching each other songs. I think it was the fact that we just took the pressure off. So what if dinner is at 9pm? We took our time cooking and it was fun, rather than a chore.

It was not the most traditional way to have Sukkot – afterall, there’s usually at least guests – but it was exactly what we needed.

Flashback….

Post by Melissa (Photo Copyright Real Photography)

Today is my birthday, which also means its the 3rd anniversary of D and I getting engaged – so I thought I’d take a break from the real meat of the blog and recap a personal moment without which I would not be a Rebbetzin-of-the-future

Here is the text of the email I sent to my family and friends the next day:

Yesterday Dustin took me on a birthday outing to Garden of the Gods (www.gardenofgods.com). On our way I took a bunch of pictures of the scenic mountains which flanked our trip and we had a good conversation.
We got over to where the park is and started looking for a place to park so we could work around a bit. Eventually we found a nice little spot and headed in to get a closer view of their majesty. He kept trying to get us closer, and we wound up getting right up to the base of one of my favorite rocks. We laughed and were silly a bit, then while I was sitting down just looking at the rocks, he told me he had something to ask me, and said some nice things – then asked me to marry him! As I’m sure I will never hear the end of, I jokingly said no – and we both laughed and hugged and stuff. Then he asked again, b/c I had said no – and I of course said “yes, of course” and we had a moment at the base of this majestic, gorgeous, almost surreal rock in this quiet garden park…. I don’t think I will ever forget that.
While in the moment, my phone rang and it was one of my good friends calling to wish me a happy birthday – clearly he knew the right moment to interrupt, though I let it go to voicemail.
Dustin and I decided to keep it to ourselves for awhile (or so I thought), and enjoyed the park some more and then he drove around Colorado Springs – showing me some of his old stomping grounds. We reached the point where we really had to head back up b/c he had some studying to do – or so he said!
When we got home, there was a trail of rose petals leading from the elevator to our door, with two candles outside the door. (Though there was also two of our teenager friends/the Rabbi’s kids  looking suspicous trying to get into the building when we arrived.)
We were greeted by friends in our kitchen preparing a gourmet meal (since we don’t eat at non-kosher restaurants – it was hard to have the romantic dinner he wanted – so our wonderful friends stepped in to provide it!), which was then served to us by some of our favorite teens and pre-teens. After a nice, romantic, candlelight dinner – the friends (and more!) showed up again for an impromptu party which even Dustin was not aware of!
We both had the excitement factor increase as our friends sang Od Y’shama (a traditonal Jewish wedding song) and we realized it was for us!

We are both very excited to take this next step and to begin planning our wedding! We are planning on getting married in our wonderful synagogue next summer…

Its hard to believe how long ago it was, other than how little our teen/pre-teen friends are in the photos, it feels like it was yesterday.  I hope our memories only grow stronger as our relationship grows each and every day.

Thanks for joining us on our journey!

(The photo is one of our professional engagement pictures, which was taken in front of the rock he proposed at.)

There is Pain and There is Joy

I’ve been trying to write about the budget tips we’ve learned in New York since Wednesday(which are numerous and interesting, at least in my opinion) but my mind keeps wandering and when that happens, I’ve been moving on to other projects. I couldn’t figure out what was going on until I read a friend’s status message on facebook.

It’s been kind of a rough week – R & I are still adjusting to a very different schedule. This is more different, I think, than at any point in our relationship up until now. To go from last year where it was the most similar to the most different is a pretty big shift, even if we did have six or eight weeks of transition. Things that don’t seem like a big deal become a bigger deal. That’s just the way these things work. For now, we’re back on track and looking forward to celebrating R’s birthday on Sunday, plus heading back home for Rosh Hashanah since R is leading services for the Hillel.

So, with that background, I have seen both the most uplifting joy and heartcrushing pain come to friends around me. Divorce, serious marital trouble, health problems, and the thing that prompted this message – an old friend is burying her sister today, who died by her own hand. This friend was the one who helped me get involved in Hillel almost 9 years ago – by sending me a thank you note for helping her lead an event that made me feel appreciated and welcomed. I found that note when we were moving and sent her a note about it – and now this event that breaks my heart for her.

As is true in life though, there is joy. Another friend from the interwebs found out that she is incredibly unexpectedly pregnant. After failed attempt after failed attempt at pregnancy, she finally had a baby using IVF – and as they were about to start again to attempt a sibling – she found out she was pregnant. And it seems to be sticking! And the joys of everyday things, from discovering lovely Rosh Hashanah videos (my favorite is Ein Prat Fountainhead’s Dip Your Apple versus the more popular Maccabeats Good Life) to making progress through the ever shifting pile of things to do.

Just something going through my head as we are plowing along in this season of introspection.

Wives Club

post by Jessica

About a week ago, we had the first meeting of the wives club for the rabbinical school. Clearly the experience of my fellow wives is something that I’m interested in, but I wasn’t sure exactly what the meeting would be. It was a small group, mostly because there are only about 15 wives total, so miss just a few of them and it’s a small group. Still, it was nice to talk about the issues of the day, and especially to talk to the wife of one of the students who is farther along at the yeshiva, and get her perspective on marriage and family while in yeshiva.

It’s part support group and part discussion group, so there were actually a few questions passed around for discussion. They were really interesting, a sort of check-in with where we are and I thought I’d share some of them and my answers now that I’ve had a little while to think about them. The subject was religious differences, which is something that R and I have been navigating since we started dating.

1. Do you anticipate conflict between your own religious beliefs and practices and the expectations of that others (including your spouse) have of you?

Lately, there hasn’t been too much conflict between the two of us about religious practice/belief. Most of the conflict is me being conflicted about my own level of observance. However, my conflict is largely stemming from what I anticipate will be the expectations of me when we are in a community and he is the rabbi and separating that from what I feel committed to. I anticipate that conflict, and I’m not sure how it will play out.

2. Are R & I on the same page religiously? How are we the same/different?

We are probably more similar now than we have been in a while, but there are definitely areas of difference. We consciously strive to make sure that it’s not in areas of communal need (i.e. not interfering with one another’s practice), and in general it’s that I’m more liberal than he is. I do think that we’ve both been consciously getting back into some traditions that we got out of while we were being crazy with Hillel.

3. Are you comfortable having differences in belief and practices?

When our relationship was founded, we knew there were differences, and likely always would be. We’ve gotten closer and farther and closer again over the years, but it’s always been something to be talked about and understood together. I do know that when we have kids it’ll be something that we’ll have to be even more clear about – never mind figuring out what we want to teach them and how.

4. Do you think rabbinical school has had/will have an effect on any of the things mentioned?

I’m not sure yet, clearly. I sort of imagine we might end up incorporating things that he learns in school into our daily practice, or that as he learns things we may have more information to make different decisions in our lives. The thing I do know is that we spend a lot of time talking about both rabbinical school and NYU, trying to share as much as we can. We have really different experiences on a day to day basis, and I think it’s been important to really actively keep those lines of communication open. Hopefully those will help us if any of these issues come up.

On another note, it was really great to meet a few wives and get to talk about these things for a few hours. I’m looking forward to doing it again soon, and I’m grateful that the school supports these kinds of things for us!

the day was big, the changes it brought were bigger

Post by Melissa (see note at bottom about photo)

I have, like so many other Americans, been thinking a lot about the 10th anniversary of 9/11 this week.  However, I keep coming to a different space than what seems to be common.  Rather than thinking about that day and where I was in the morning and how the whole day played out (which I do remember totally clearly) , I keep thinking about what it set in motion.

I posted this on my facebook status last night, and the two comments solidified that I needed to write from this view:

MSG: I feel like I should write a 9/11 remembrance blog post, but am so uninspired. I just don’t have any great insights to add and reflect upon. (Having a brother in the Army I think is part of it. The day impacted my life in a very very different way that isn’t as tied to a calendar date as it is to vast expanses of life.)

ArmyWife: enough said…

ArmyMom: Yes, I get that, Melissa. Well said.

On 9/11 my brother was preparing for recruiting school.  He had been in the US Army for 5 years at that point.  He had no idea how this would shape his Army career.  He wound up having an extra long stint as a recruiter, where he helped send others to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan.  There was one recruit with a story quite similar to his who died in battle.  The Army didn’t want to take the time to train new recruiters, so active recruiters kept having their placements (for lack of better word) extended, despite what a few of these men and women were asking for – which was to be deployed.  In an all volunteer Army, you’d think they’d listen to those who were asking to go, but that didn’t happen.  When he eventually got out of recruiting (by taking a bad evaluation which has prevented him from being promoted since) he was sent to Korea, where he spent a year patrolling the DMZ line.  Still not where he felt he needed to be.  There was an active war and he was at the site of one from decades past.  In the early years of the deployments, my brother was one of the brave soldiers wanted to be there fighting for our freedoms.

During the time my brother was deployed for his first tour to Iraq, many of the big events occurred.  He was there for the “surge” which caused his one year deployment to be extended to 15 months.  He was there for the “awakening” – when the local tribes decided to help the US forces to drive out AQI (Al Quida Iraq), and really work to end the war as we knew it.  For the extended tour they gaurunteed the troops one year at home before they would be deployed again.  Yet my brother was selected to be a part of a special training group and was sent back for a few months.  Had his commanding officer not set his foot down, my brother would have spent nearly half of his year at home, back in Iraq.  It was ~11 months after arriving back in the US that he got the papers for the next year deployment, though they had known unofficially for quite awhile at that time.  The Army didn’t waste any time.  So off he went, 366 days after he returned from his 15month deployment, to serve his country.  To fight in a combat unit in Baghdad when the American public was being told all combat units were out of the cities. (Even now, the unit he had been with is there as we are told that all combat units are out of Iraq.)

My brother’s time in the Army was not decided because of 9/11 – but it did shape how his Army experience panned out. He was in a few bad “accidents,” saw many friends and comrades die, and attained a purple heart for his physical combat wounds.  (The emotional and mental wounds are a totally separate story though.) While we are so very blessed to have him still with us, it has affected our entire family a great deal.  He was deployed more than home for the first six years of his daughters life.  I got married without my big brother present. Our parents are very nervous about my future learning in Israel, as we are just now having the opportunity for family to be together for special events.  It put large riffs of time and space in all of our relationships, which can only begin to work on  healing now.

Ironically, this Shabbat was the 20th anniversary of his Bar Mitzvah and one of the drashot I heard was about the laws regarding how we have to take care of our siblings and their possessions, and how their needs come first in our daily lives.  I think in combination with all the memories and the start of Elul – it is a great time to remind you all to be grateful for the people in your lives you get to see and speak with on a regular basis, and to all the men, women, and children who are missing their relatives who are serving our country – either in life or in death.

The photo is one my mom took of my brother’s mantle. It is his Jewish War Veterans hat, his purple heart and the patches he was wearing when he earned it, and a Killed in Action memorial bracelet for his driver. I couldn’t write about this topic without including that. 

Edit: My brother reached out shortly after I posted this to let me know that some of the details are inaccurate.  I have asked him for clarification, but am not sure of how I will proceed.  This is how I remember it all, and right or wrong, its my reflection on the experience and what has shaped the past ten years of my life with a brother in the US Army. **Some of the updates things which just didn’t get conveyed well second and third hand, others were details I had never heard before – so I changed them in order to best reflect the reality of my brother’s Army experience over the past ten years.**

Ten Years

WTC memorial lights - post by Jessica

I’ve been thinking about this all day, so I thought it was time to write about it.Everyone has a story about where they were on September 11th.

It was my senior year in high school, and I was driving to school, listening to some terrible morning talk radio show. As I turned off the car, I heard him say that someone had flown into the World Trade Center. It was radio and I was in a hurry, so I didn’t understand that he meant a commercial jet – it seemed so much more likely that some poor pilot had gone down in lower Manhattan.

I learned the truth about two hours later. In the days before everyone had internet on their phones (heck, we barely had text messaging!) halfway across the country, it took a while for the news to filter in. My second period class was bowling,  real bowling alley (we had 80 minute classes) and they had the TV on. With the towers falling down. I have the memory of looking up at the screens while trying to bowl burned into my eyelids when I think about that day. It’s a tribute to not understanding yet what was happening that we were expected to bowl at all.

By the time we got back to school, everyone knew what was going on, and every TV that had some kind of connection to the outside world was on and we were glued to it for days.

I think it took until my junior year in college when I met someone who had been there to really process what had happened in a personal, connected way. Not just a tragedy that made me cry. I say this because I think I feel a little guilty by how normal our lives were by comparison. It was a tragedy, but it was also homecoming week. Although we knew logically that this was way bigger than us and way more serious, on an emotional level it seemed totally unfair that it would forever mar our experience during our senior year. It produced what I’ll describe as hysteria, in which because we felt we were being asked by the adults in the community to give up our homecoming, we were more spirited and raucous than usual. Even as we were all a little uncomfortable underneath, even as the world had fallen apart just a few days before.

For me, aside from this unspeakable tragedy, it also meant a cancelled NFTY youth group event in St. Louis. It was the fall Leadership Training Institute. I lived and breathed for those events, where I would see most of my friends in person. I understand better now than I did then why it was cancelled: no one really wanted to let anyone out of their sight at that point. For us a high schoolers, it was depriving us of a chance of seeing some of our closest friends and processing our fear and grief together. It was, of course, the right decision, but it felt so bad at the time. I spent the weekend looking through pictures from our summer to trip to NYC and putting the several photos of the WTC from June 16, 2011 into a photo frame. They had been worth the real-film photos because I had found the buildings to be very beautiful. I also went to the Homecoming dance, even though I hadn’t planned to since I was supposed to be at the event. Before I went though, my parents hosted a 9/11 prayer service in our living room. I attended in my homecoming dress.

Ten years – more important than 9 or 11? Not really, but it’s tradition. It’s also probably more poignant here than it is halfway across the country – we had a ceremony on campus for the first year anniversary, but I don’t think there’s been one again until this year. Here, it’s more visceral, knowing that the NYU campus is not far away from Ground Zero, or as Mayor Bloomberg prefers – One World Trade Center. R and I are planning on going to the memorial, as soon as we can figure out our new schedules enough to get tickets.

There’s another strange thing – because I was 17 when it happened, I am among the youngest who remember the events as something close to an adult. Freshmen on campus this year were 8 when it happened. It’s like that with every big event, but it seems weirder, since they don’t seem that much younger than me anymore.

I don’t have a profound truth. Just some memories and some tears. I hope we are all comforted with our remembrance and can work for a better, brighter future for all of us, together, whoever we are. I encourage you to share your memories here, or at any of the many websites that are encouraging submissions.

Shabbat Shalom – peace for all the world.